Stay (ManxBoy)

Chapter Sixteen - Wedding Plans

Dozakh:

(n.) A place of torment one believes they are in when separated from their lover; hell.

Chapter Sixteen - Wedding Plans

02-05-2015

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The worst feeling ever is having trouble with getting out of bed. And I don't mean the I'm way too tired to get up, kind of tired. I mean the things are too hard right now and I desperately miss Evan. Never had I relied on anyone as much as I did on him and now he's not even here anymore.

For the last couple of months there has been no contact whatsoever and I have caught myself driving past his place for way too many times. Never did I see him when I was looking through the windows, or when I went to lunch at his work. It's as if he knows when I show up and need him the most. 

We went from daily text messages and visits to not talking at all and it's the most frustrating thing ever. Of course I noticed that I had feelings for him, more so than for anyone else. But never had I thought that I would be so dependent on him. I never had a reason to think about it, because it was all sorted out. 

Now I have to go through the wedding planning alone and each day brings me closer to not seeing him at all, ever again. And I understand why he's cut all the ties and decided to not talk to me again, but that doesn't make the situation any less painful. 

The tension in the car is to cut with a knife, but I think Charlotte and I both have our own reasons for that. Earlier on we had a discussion about the wedding theme and of course she wanted it to be traditional. Now I don't mind the fact that we'd marry in a church, or state our vows in front of our family and the community. The thing I mind is that she wants me to state my promise in the name of God and that I have to vow that I will love her truly. And I simply can't do such thing. I can't promise the one that she 'knows' who created her that I won'tt betray her. Because as soon as I can, I will find a way to get back to Evan. 

Charlotte needs the traditional part, but I simply can't just do that. And the thing is, I of course can't tell her why. I can't tell her about Evan and not believing in God isn't a good enough reason for her. So I already know that this is how it's going to be I'll have to promise to love her truly, stay with her to the end of time and give her my whole heart. Even though I know that none of that will be on my 'able to do list'. Except from the till the end of time, because there is a possibility that I won't get out of this. And that I'll have to live my life lying to my best friend.

"When will you talk to me again?" Charlotte whispers from the passenger side. I take a quick look at her before directing my eyes on the road again.

"I never stopped talking to you, I simply disagree with your decision. The fact that you made the decision without my content that being." I hear her taking a couple of deep breaths as the words leave my mouth, but I know those are not the ones of anger. She's simply frustrated with the fact that I am totally right in this matter.

"I know and I am sorry, but I really want it this way. Nobody does it in a different way." It frustrates me to no end that Charlotte always has to think about the others, meaning the other people from the community. 

Before it had never occurred to me that it bothered her so deeply that I like things differently. But since I have grown closer to Evan I start to notice how close minded she really is. And I get that, because when you're born with a certain image being displayed for you, you get to remember that. Ever since we were little we were told that being gay and thinking differently was a sin and slowly we started to believe that. But when I started thinking about it for myself I saw how effected I really am by what they said to me. Never have I thought that falling in love with a person is wrong, but I thought I did because my parents said so.

"We'll be doing it your way, but the party is mine to decide." I tell her after contemplating it. 

From the corner of my eyes I can see a huge smile taking over her face, but she tries to keep her voice as normal as she possibly can. As if she's scared I'll change my mind.

"Thank you Alex." She says sweetly and the rest of the ride is spend in silence.

"Father Joseph." I say with a nod as I shake the man's hand.

"Alexander, I haven't seen you in a while." The old, grey-haired man in front of me says with a judgement in his voice. He has never liked the fact that I don't come to church very often. 

"Good afternoon Father Joseph." Charlotte interrupts and I let out a relieved breath as the subject changes. It seems as if Father Joseph always has been very protecting over Charlotte, because from the moment he noticed our relationship he held grudge against me. 

He even threatened me in the name of God, if I ever did as much as hurt her a little bit. He almost gave me a whole book with instructions of how to treat her. It basically said that I had to treat her as a princess and never force anything upon her. The strange thing is that he has never been against her working, even though that's not a really common thing here.

"Alexander? Which color flowers would you like along the aisle?" Charlotte's voice interrupts me from my wondering thoughts.

"I'd prefer white, but it's really your choice. I'm no good with styling." I grit my teeth in annoyance as I see Father's face. He seems pleased with the fact that I let her make the decision, but she definitely wouldn't have asked me if it weren't for me to decide.

"I like white." Charlotte says and with that she turns back to Father Joseph.

Normally it wouldn't even require his assistance, but since we're doing it in our local church everything has to be approved of.

It takes hours for Charlotte and Father Joseph to stop talking and I am half lying on one of the church's benches as Charlotte calls me again.

"We can go now." She whispers softly and I smile as I don't see Father Joseph anywhere. That means I won't have to act polite and say goodbye to him. As we walk outside my phone goes off and for just a few seconds I have hope that it's Evan. To my utter disappointment it seems not to be.

To: [Me]

From: [Mother]

4:36 p.m.

How did everything go today? Hugs mom

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that my parents of course had to know about it. I tried not to show Charlotte how much I didn't want them to know, but I guess I did too much of a good job. Three days after the proposal she had arranged a family dinner and it had to be the most awkward thing ever. My parents were absolutely delighted and they have been texting me non-stop, asking all about our plans. 

To: [Mother]

From: [Me]

4:39 p.m.

Everything went fine, see you soon! X

"We should make a guest list tonight." Charlotte says as we arrive back home again and I let out a groan in annoyance. I don't want to set up a list full of people I don't like, to come to an event I don't want to be myself.

"We can just as well do it now, then we'll be done with it." With a nod of understanding Charlotte walks into our house in search of her address book while I start up the computer with all our files.

Within twenty minutes we're half-way through our list and I sigh as she takes a second book with addresses from her desk.

"Sarah Winter, Susan Mail, Derek Midget, Eren Joseph, Evan Knight." As I hear Evan's name roll of her tongue I hold my breath for a second, genuinely too scared to think about him.

I don't know whatmakes me do it, but I put his name under it, his address and all behind it. Iwant him to be there, even if it will make it hurt even more.

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A/N: YOOOOOOOOOO

Words: 1479

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~Noortje