Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 9

I'm not going insane, I would say that I'm finding a way to look at things differently. A way that would be considered weird by anyone else but me.

I have always broken apart anything and everything until it becomes one. Then again, I think everyone has a way of doing that and wouldn't be considered abnormal. What's abnormal is that now I look at a different side of it. I have fully become a pessimist.

Although I'm not afraid of the bad sides I find, more so annoyed that I had to find them and that they're there in the first place. I always feel like I need to make the bad good, which recently I have been incapable of. So, doing that is out of the equation making my before amazing decision skills, not so amazing and when a decision gets thrown my way I always find a way to throw it back. It's not called being afraid or indecisive, it's called being tired with responsibility. If life can't half this shit with me then, what's the point?

What's the point of going the extra mile if I don't have the gas? What's the point of putting up effort that I have to find? All in all, what's the point of living?

By saying that, I'm not hinting suicide, not again, but just doing life things. Like, finding friends, lovers, or anything that is supposed to make me happy. Shouldn't I have to make myself happy first, then get the other things? Why would I have friends if I always pull them down to be at my level. Everyone doesn't want to be at my level, no one should. The fact that I have to make things worse for people or ruin there life makes me deeply upset. Wether it was there decision to walk into my life or not.

Austin started cutting because I did it, he doesn't even question himself because he surrounded himself with someone that did it. Therefore, changing his outlook on the subject. I never got the chance to break down the cons of self harming before he jumped into it. Now, I'm pretty sure he's finding them out himself. Now, it's a habit, one that is the worst to break. No matter who tells you to stop, there will always be a time when that person isn't there and you shut down, do something stupid, go back to square one. I couldn't save him, and I still can't. So what's the point of have friends if they're going to turn out like Austin?

So, I feel the need to isolate myself. I shut the world out and find something to consume me other than worldly things.

That can be good and bad. Good for the people who have found their way around life and just choose to not accept society's opinions, shut the world out and become instantly happy with yourself. Bad for people like me who consume them selves with blades and alcohol. Although in worldly things, they're terrible for you.

That the thing, I can admit that what I do is unhealthy and if I keep it up I will soon collapse in a heap of sadness and blood. The sad part is that's what I'm waiting for.

I want to fall again, I want to feel again. If sadness is what I feel then so be it.

Until then, I have to be alone.

Just how I've learned to be.