Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 29

Me and Shay's lips moved in sync as he picked me up and leaned me against the slide. As if on que, the rain started. First, little drops, but as time went by it got heavier and heavier. Usually, I would've ran inside, but this rain was beautiful and so was this.

Shay stopped kissing me and spun me around until we both fell and laid on the wood chipped littered ground. Rolling on top of me, Shay pined my wrist above my head as he kissed me again. For once, I think I'm happy. Although, this could be temporary bliss and all crash down in flames in the end. So, I prepared for the later.

Shays finger curled around my belt loop as my hands trailed down his somewhat chubby face. Taking his lip ring in my mouth, I nibbled on it. Apparently he liked that because he lightly groaned. Given the fact that we were in a public place and that that place was a kids park, I led him to my house which wasn't that far from the park.

When I was a little kid I used to walk here, by myself of course, and swing on the swings. It was something about being that high in the air that made me forget the fact I was alone. Maybe it was the whispering wind that made it feel like I had company. What ever it was, it made me leave my home life where it belonged, and my happiness where it belonged.

Shay jerked my hand to get my attention. He had just been saying something and my lack of a response had given him the hint that I wasn't paying attention. Hell, I didn't even hear him talking.

"I just said how glad I was I switched schools," he said, shooting me an annoyed but happy look.

"Why is that?"

"Because I met you," he said. I inwardly cringed. Austin and I were slightly awkward around each other and the affection was for other times. Personally, I didn't like this change at all.

"I'm glad you did too," I lied. If he wouldn't have switched schools, I wouldn't have this guilty feeling in my stomach. Kissing another man made me hate myself more than I did earlier.

But, Shay smiled his stunning smile and I pushed away the thoughts, replacing them with the hope of a new life.

Deep down, I knew I'd ruin this though.

-
*two weeks later*

Everything Shay does, I compare to Austin. Now, that's a very unhealthy thing to do for someone who is trying to get over him and begin a new relationship. It's just that my brain can't wrap around the fact that I kissed another person who wasn't Austin, I miss the familiarity so much. I used to be able to predict what Austin was going to do, and he could do the same thing. It made make out sessions less scarier. Austin was my safety, and now I have none.

There is no way Shay could ever be my safety. If anything I'd have to be his. I've been seeing signs of low self esteem in him. Considering I have them myself, it makes it way easier to detect them in another person.

For one, when he gets angry, he shuts you out; silent treatment. Now, that would be a different thing if he didn't get angry over the littlest shit.

Also, the way he acts so narcissistic sometimes, just to protect the fact that deep down, he doesn't really enjoy himself as much as he says he does. He is not "the man" and will never be "the man". Austin had a great understanding of this.

Another thing is how close he hangs onto me. Distance and time is not a thing to Shayley. He officially asked me out about a week and a half ago, yet he's already claiming he loves me. Of course, I haven't said it back and always find a way to divert the conversation fully away from the topic. Being the blind person he is, he never notices it. Strangely, I can't wait till he does.

The first week of our somewhat relationship was awesome. I still had thoughts about Austin, but they really didn't occur when Shay was around. I saved them for nights alone.

Then, the doorbell rang, pulling me out of my thoughts. Considering I was home alone, I just assumed it was my mom with a handful of groceries enabling her to open the door.

Boy was I wrong.

Austin Carlile stood at my door. He got a hair cut. The old swoopy bangs where now styled on top of his head. God, did it look nice.

"You texted me," he finally said, harshly. Backing away from the door, I signalled for him to come in. He shook his head, claiming that it wouldn't take long. That made me shiver. Let's face it, we all know what's going to happen, great. "I told you not to text me, yet you did so anyway." I was going to say something, but I had a feeling that he wouldn't listen anyway. So, I shut my mouth and let him get to the part of what he's going to do.

"I'm not going back on my promise," he said, finally stepping inside my house. He raised his fist, bringing it about two centimetres from my face before he dropped it again.

"Are you wearing a short sleeve?" He asked, skimming his eyes over my bare arms. The only time I can remember him seeing my bare arms was at the motel.

Taking my arm in his hand, he glanced at the faint pale lines on my arm, the ones that were now unnoticeable and didn't require makeup to cover up anymore.

"You've gotten better since I left. It was meant to be like this," he said, dropping my hand.

"Not at all. I've resorted to alcohol, it doesn't leave a visible scar."

"Why did you stop cutting?" He asked.

"Because I knew you wouldn't want me to, I wasn't going to use your weakness against you like that."

He paused, his face softening where it needed most. The crinkles by his eyes becoming visible. He was smiling. But, his smile dropped and he raised his fist once again.

But, he dropped it.

"You're going out with Bourget now, am I right?" He asked. He was diverting his actions by asking questions. Not once have I seen him do that. "Yeah," I replied, shakily.

"Didn't really take you long to get over me," he said, avoiding eye contact with me at all cost. "Who said I am?" He met my gaze, the dots in his eye meeting my vision. But, he looked at the ground again, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"What I'm saying is, you found another guy to go to. I didn't know you were like that." He laced his voice with shame, making me feel as if trying to start over was some sort of sin.

"I'm not, he came after me. Is it bad to try to seek a different form of happiness?"

"Are you happy?" He asked, sadness appearing his his voice. "With him, I mean," he rushed out. Sadly, I was neither.

"To be honest, not really. We don't connect as much as I thought we would," I said, honestly. Austin's face lit up.

"Tell me the truth, Alan. Where you happy with me?" His question took me aback, but I already had an answer. I've already thought about this more than once.

"Yes, the happiest I could possible have been," I said. "Austin?" I asked, getting his attention so he could look me in the face.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours'?" Austin nodded his head, "I set you free, and here you are."

"But I'm not willing to be "yours" again. The reasoning for this visit was not to mend things up, but yet to tear them apart."

"Then, I'll set you free once again. I'll be waiting for your visit," I said, the hidden optimism in me showing.

"Who says I'm coming back?"

"I'm just going by what I wish to happen."

With that, he turned around and left. Although, this didn't feel like setting him free.