Unexpected

[10] Panic

Hey everyone! :) Hope you like the chapter. Thanks for reading!

Clara.

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When my alarm went off early Monday morning, I wanted to curl up and never leave my bed. The pain in my chest was physical, like a heavy weight was sitting on my chest. No matter how much air I sucked in, my lungs wouldn’t fill. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep, shaky breath. I can do this, I thought desperately. I have to do this.  I considered rolling over and going back to sleep, but a knock echoed through my empty room before I could.

    “You awake in here?” I was surprised to hear Dean’s voice, having expected it to be Mark at the door. My only answer was a groan and I heard my brother chuckle softly.

    I buried my face into my pillow, swallowing against the lump in my throat. The edge of my mattress sank down and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I sat up in resignation, tears welling in my eyes as I tried and failed at keeping them back. Dean gave me a pained smile and opened his arms for a hug. Gratitude filled me for my brother as I wrapped my arms tightly around him.

    “I miss her,” I whispered hoarsely, letting a few tears escape and drip down my cheeks. I could feel Dean nodded against my head as he squeezed me tighter for a moment.

    “I miss her so much it hurts. I don’t want to go out there and pretend that I’m okay when the truth is I don’t know how to live without her guidance. I feel so lost without her.”

    “I know,” Dean’s voice was gruff, and I could tell he was fighting tears as well. “I keep thinking how I should have called her more, how I always let life get in the way. That will probably always be my biggest regret. But we have to stay positive and know that she’s smiling down on us from Heaven. We have to keep living our lives. I think she’d want that.”

    I nodded into his shirt and took in a deep breath. “She would. It’s hard, though.”

    After one more final squeeze we released each other and Dean stood up. He offered me his hand, so I took it and allowed him to pull me up.

    “Get ready for school and come down stairs. I have a surprise for you.”

    “Should I be scared?” I asked with a small laugh.

    Dean just shrugged and pointed me in the direction of my bathroom. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I trudged forward and closed the door behind me. I stripped down and got in the shower, the burning water serving as a pretty good wake-up call. Twenty minutes later I stood in my closet trying to decide what I wanted to wear. Out of all the things I’d bought with Katie, there were just too many options. I finally decided on the strapless denim dress I’d gotten and paired it with a white quarter-sleeve cardigan with red lace detailing on the sides. That way I wouldn’t be tempted to scratch my tattoo and it was covered up. When I went down the stairs with my backpack over one shoulder, I could smell pancakes.

    Dropping my backpack by the front door, I continued to the kitchen to see Dean at the range, flipping a big fluffy pancake. He turned at the sound of my Converse on the wood floor and gave me a small smile. The spatula in his hand moved back and forth in a wave.

    “You made me breakfast?”

    He nodded and pushed a plate of pancakes and a bowl of sliced bananas toward me.

    “Your favorite. I remember Mom always cooked them on the first day of school. I thought we should keep the tradition going. I found the recipe in the stack you brought from the house.”