Sherlock Imagines and Preferences

My Fault

Requested by PrincessPeach211 

Please, do not read this imagine if you are easily triggered. This oneshot contains mentioning of self-harm and I don't want you to hurt yourselves. Especially, because of me. I love you all very much and know that you can talk to me if you need someone. I know how you feel and I will try anything to make you feel better. Stay strong, my Loves. ♥

~***~

Stumbling into the flat, I held the door for support. Working had become nearly impossible ever since I lost my beautiful baby girl. It started out as any other case would, my wife and I went to the crime scene and we started deducing the victims. But there was something different that time. We tried, but we couldn't find a babysitter for Delilah, so we took her to the crime scene with us. We kept her far away from the bodies and trusted Lestrade to keep her safe. We solved the case rather quickly and then made our way back to our home. (Y/N) had forgotten to run some errands earlier that afternoon, so she went to the shops as I took it upon myself to get my daughter and myself home safely.

If only I hadn't stopped paying attention for those few, yet crucial seconds. She must have gotten distracted by something, causing her to let go of my hand. I didn't realise I was no longer holding her hand, I was concentrating on something completely invaluable. I finally realised what had happened when I heard a high-pitched scream coming from Delilah. 

I still remembered that moment vividly. I had turned around within a second. What I saw then, was never to be unseen. A horrifyingly painful scene that would forever be a burden to carry, a burden that often became too heavy. I rushed over to her, trying incredibly hard to comfort her as I phoned an ambulance, but to no avail. My little girl, whom I had sworn to protect until the end of my days, closed her eyes and stopped breathing. The ambulance arrived five minutes later, but it was already too late. We had lost our little girl and she would never come back to us.

My wife was inconsolable when she received the news. I was completely numb. I didn't speak, move, sleep or eat for days. I just sat in my chair day after day, staring at the dusty floor while (Y/N) didn't leave the bedroom and cried all day. We both had different approaches to coping with the sudden loss and it started driving us apart. We were both blinded by grief, and on the rare occasions when we spoke, we said stuff to each other that neither of us could ever mean. Hurtful things were said, but as the days went by, our relationship grew stronger and we found ways to comfort ourselves in each other. It helped to get us through the day and that was what we desperately needed. Without her, I'd have followed my daughter.

It had been a few years since Delilah died, but the guilt still lingered and often it'd become too much to handle. It was one of those moments now. It was all my fault, and I had never admitted that to my wife. I couldn't lose her too. I'd crumble without her and I couldn't hurt her more. She was already feeling so much pain, I didn't want to find out what'd happen if I caused her more. 

The guilt was suffocating me, I was desperate for a release. With all the strength I had left, I let go of the door and continued to stumble to the bathroom, the place that had become my lair of secrets. 

My hands shook violently as I reached behind the sink and grabbed my razors. I rolled up the sleeves of my white shirt and pressed the blade onto my skin. I took a deep, shaky breath before digging it into my skin further and dragging it across. The crimson colour soon covered my arms, but it wasn't enough. I could still feel the guilt, so I did it again and again and again until the physical pain was much stronger than the emotional. 

A wave of dizziness hit me and I supported my head using my bloody hand. I dropped the razor blades in the sink, not thinking about cleaning the mess and stumbled back to my chair. My legs were wobbly and I collapsed into my seat. I struggled to stay awake and tried to occupy my mind as to ensure I'd stay awake.

''Sherlock?'' I opened my eyes at hearing my name, my vision blurry. ''Hmm?'' I hummed, blinking rapidly. The blurriness started to clear up and I could see (Y/N) standing close to me, one hand caressing my cheek and the other holding something. Tears were evident in her eyes. ''Sherlock...'' She whispered, her voice cracking as she fought back tears. I sat up, able to think clearly and function again. I saw my bloody razors in her hand and the guilt came rushing back. ''You should've told me, Sherl. I could've helped you or at least tried to find someone who could. Don't you trust me anymore?'' She started to cry and my heart broke at the sight of her tears. ''I'm sorry.'' I couldn't get any more words out. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her on my lap, not caring about the blood that would ruin her shirt. I buried my face in her hair and started sobbing.

''I'm so sorry, my Love.'' I sobbed. ''I can't keep lying to you.'' She sat up and looked at me quizzically. ''Wh-What are you talking about?'' She asked, tears still streaming down her pale face. ''It's my fault, (N/N). It's all my fault.'' I could tell she was getting more confused by the second. ''Delilah would still be alive if I hadn't stopped paying attention that day. I'm sorry, Darling. I'm so, so sorry. The guilt of it is eating me alive and I couldn't keep it from you any longer. Please, I'm begging you, don't—''

She pressed a soft kiss on my lips, keeping me from talking. ''It's not your fault, Sherlock. It'll never be your fault. Please, don't blame yourself. It'll make the pain so much worse.'' Her hands caressed my cheeks. She smiled sadly as we stared at each other in brief silence. ''I love you.'' She stated softly. My hands travelled to her waist, pulling her impossibly closer to my chest. ''I love you, too.'' I kissed the top of her head before resting my head there. ''Sherlock.'' I hummed in response. ''I want to have another baby.'' She whispered as if she was afraid of my reaction. I smiled warmly and held her even tighter. ''Let's try then.''