When it gets late one of 3 things happens
- I get tired and go to sleep
- I start writing
-my anxiety flares up really bad and the only way I calm down is by working some way until I feel accomplished
The problem is that if I don't finish working and working on whatever I am doing, I cant sleep, and if I don't sleep that night, I cant have coffee the next morning without being sick. I tempted fate Sunday by drinking a full cup before I ate anything since I don't eat much ever, and was so sick on the way to church I thought I might actually throw up. I didn't thank goodness but still my habits are not healthy. For tomorrow I have a stack of journals due, spring break project due, and a game that is going to last till 9 then I have to come home do homework for AP Bio and then I might be able to make myself sleep unless , my brain wants to fight me again, wont that be fun. If I just so happen to not sleep again on tomorrow night I just so happen to have a test, more AP homework a game, and possibly an exam. KMS.
I for once know whats bothering me on this fine evening.
Back Story Time: I'm actually a home-wrecker..,
Yep I helped a guy cheat on his GF because yes flirting is cheating. I know right I'm an awful human. Anyway they broke up and now I have lost every close friend I have had since the 6th grade. Note: these people were basically my family. They talked me out of self harm a good few times. And I had blood bonded pacts with one of them in particular. This person was the overprotective brother I had always wanted but never had. And to say we were close was an understatement. He was the only one who calmed me down enough to function during a panic attack. So today flipping through my old photos I found screen shots from old messages from one of my bad days when I had red whelps from popping rubber-bands on my wrists all afternoon he'd cornered me in the halls because he knew me well enough to know if something was up, and because I also knew this I was avoiding him. Sadly hes faster that me and tears give away your upset pretty easily and he checked my wrists and walked away POed AF. He texted me after a while to try and help me calm down. This is what it said:
"Hey, shush your face hole. I love you. And F everyone else, they can all go screw themselves. The only people you need to worry about is our group because they all love you too. FEEL LOVED! And the pain may help sometimes, but in the end all it does is leave you with endless scars, though I cant seem to get that through my head. But anyways, shush your face hole because I love you and your important. Maybe not to yourself but to me."
"You only say that so ill stop being upset Adam"
"Hey, I'm being very fucking serious. I don't kid around with this shit. This is real. I. LOVE. YOU. And don't forget that. You know how serious I was today, especially when I made a promise that will affect me as well. And you know I'd never lie to you. I say this because its true, not bullshit. Okay?"
"and sorry for the cursing"
But what he didn't know was that the group not even 6 weeks later would completely reject me out by myself while I was unstable and alone. How can someone feel loved if they literally loose everyone at one time. And I should have known that something was coming because of the words he said. "Id never lie to you" in my experiences it makes it very hard to trust people who say that phrase. It always ends up getting me burned.
But now that I think back to it I can remember how scared I was to come to school for so long because I didn't know if I would get jumped by them at any given minute. It was a good day if I didn't have bruises on my knuckles or palms from biting on them for hours at a time, and if physical maiming wasn't enough for my disturbed brain I have ulcers and so the three big things I'm not supposed to have are coffee, chocolate, and soda. I literally would inhale cans of soda everyday to calm my nerves to where I could actually muddle through the day, and then chocolate and coffee to sustain my energy since I couldn't sleep.
I still have those habits but I'm no longer terrified of school... most of the time.
So now I'm going to go finish writing those journals before 6:30, or at least attempt to...
