Paint You the Way You Are

NIGHT SEOUL

HYUNJIN

When the elevator doors closed, silence surrounded Felix and Hyunjin. Not like it had been when Hyunjin was painting Felix a few minutes ago. This silence was awkward and full of unfulfilled expectations.

Hyunjin was only peripherally aware of how loud the silence seemed. As his mind was buzzing while his thoughts were going in circles like a child's train.

He wondered what to say, how to strike up a conversation that wasn't forced and awkward but fresh and relieving. His mind, however, was incapable of a single idea.

It took forever for the elevator to come all the way down. It was only after a moment that Hyunjin realized he had been holding his breath the whole time. A second after the doors opened and Hyunjin was the next one out, heading out of the building with very quick steps. He wasn't sure if he was running away from Felix or his feelings for him. However, it didn't matter at all, it was the exact same thing.

When Hyunjin walked out into the night-time Seoul he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly right after. He closed his eyes and just took in how good and alive he suddenly felt. How he was bound by no other feeling than gratitude. Gratitude for finally escaping those strange sensations.

'You paint really well, by the way,' came a deep voice from beside him. Hyunjin didn't feel any rush of nervousness or other emotions, so it was much easier for him to process this compliment and not freak out about it.

'Thanks, you are easy to paint,' when the sentence came out loud it sounded far more awkward than he thought it would.

'Anyway, I'll be going now then, thanks for the escort and your assistance, it was nice to meet you' Hyunjin turned around, and before he could take the first step, he felt Felix grab the sleeve of his hoodie. Hyunjin felt a slight tickle in his stomach that he didn't like at all.

'I - can I walk you?' The question made Hyunjin startled. He wasn't sure if it was the direct meaning of the question or rather the way the sentence was spoken. Like a request. There was nothing like a question in it but an inaudible plea.

Hyunjin was puzzled at how much the question sounded like a cry for help. For a good while, Hyunjin simply stared into Felix's eyes. Not that he was thinking of turning him down. More because he wondered why he sounded so shattered. Why he sounded like a drowning man catching at a straw.

Hyunjin nods slightly until he feels like Felix hasn't noticed, so he quickly clears his throat and says out loud, 'If you feel like it'.

He was hoping to make it easier for Felix. He hoped that by answering this way Felix would think he hadn't heard the mute plea.

Relief and gratitude flitted across Felix's face. Then he smiled and walked slowly away. Hyunjin joined him and they made their way very slowly through the night-time Seoul without a word.

***

Hyunjin couldn't help but think of Felix. Every second they walked together through much of Seoul at night. Even then way their fingers touched a few times as they walked. Even when they struck up a small but quiet conversation about their night walk. And the time Felix walked him to the front of his apartment. Even when he watched Felix walk away. He couldn't get the boy out of his mind. He didn't know what exactly made him run back outside and run after him.

When he found Felix farther away than he expected to find him he was relieved. He was beginning to think he'd lost him and wouldn't catch up. He ran to him, breathing loudly and exhausted.

Felix looked at Hyunjin with great surprise. He didn't know what exactly his expression was supposed to mean, but he knew he had made the right decision the second Felix smiled for the first time in the time they had known each other.

'Do you want to go to my place and watch a movie?' It came out of Hyunjin before he could think of a better plan to stay with Felix for a while longer.

Hyunjin noticed the glint in Felix's eyes. It was like watching the night sky with sunglasses on, and then taking them off and seeing the stars. The realization that Hyunjin could see proof that he wasn't alone in wanting his company made him very happy. For not having slept all night, he suddenly felt full of energy as if he had plenty to spare as well. The fact that Felix, the boy who could make Hyunjin nervous in such a short time, wanted to spend more time with him did him good.

Half an hour ago, he'd been running from his feelings, scared, and determined not to be taken in by them, but now he was head over heels and intent on grabbing onto them like nothing else mattered.

As they were walking back to his apartment Hyunjin had the urge to grab Felix's hand. He resisted it. It would be strange to touch him like that, they didn't even know each other.

'Don't make anything of my uncle,' Felix started suddenly. His voice is velvet to Hyunjin's ears, 'he's a bored old fart who snores when he shouldn't. The fact that he's asleep instead of teaching you is something that's unfortunately part of his personality.'

Hyunjin was glad that Felix was the first to speak. That he struck up a conversation. If it had been up to Hyunjin, they probably would have gone all the way in silence.

'Nothing against your uncle, but I think he's indeed old fart.' At that, Felix laughed. It's his deep laugh that made Hyunjin's lips twitched. But Felix laughed loudly and contagiously, so when Hyunjin started laughing he stopped paying attention to where he's going too. He walked from his side of the sidewalk to Felix's side of the sidewalk and nudged him with his shoulder. Felix's feet hit the bollard and before they both know, Felix grabs Hyunjin by the hoodie and pulls him to the ground with him. They both end up in the grass next to the sidewalk.

From the moment they both ended up on the ground, Hyunjin couldn't catch his breath. Hot tears of laughter ran down his face. Hyunjin realized that his answer wasn't that funny, it was Felix's laughter that was to blame.

For a good minute, they just lay beside the sidewalk laughing like they were sunken. People walked around them and looked at them like maybe they had some kind of disease. Hyunjin couldn't stop though, Felix's laughter was so contagious that every time he thought he had stopped he suddenly started laughing again.

After what seemed like an eternity, they were finally able to sit up and look each other in the eye. Hyunjin felt all his worries evaporate from his mind and all he cared about was Felix.

'Oh my god. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that,' Felix says. His hand drops to Hyunjin's, but instead of quickly pulling it away he squeezes it tightly and then stands up pulling Hyunjin with him.  When Hyunjin was on his feet again it occurred to him that his cheeks were probably red.