Paint You the Way You Are

REALIZATION

HYUNJIN

I'm sitting with Han over coffee and we both stare at our phones. It's quiet and my mind is occupied with Felix. It's been two days since I've seen him.

My index and middle fingers are tingling, my whole hand, actually. I've done nothing but paint since we parted two days ago. I've filled about 150 pages of my sketchbook with Felix. I needed to get him out of my head, keep myself distracted until it was time to meet him again.

I painted everything. His hands, his eyes, his lips, his whole face. I even wrote the words he said to me down on paper. I even tried to write a few words about how I felt about him, but it all sounded so awful that I crossed it out.

I feel the urge to take the sketchbook out of my bag and draw him again, but I don't. I stare at the picture on my phone that I took before he left. He's smiling in it, and he looks perfect. I feel a tingling warmth in my chest and embrace the feeling with open arms.

Just let the feeling torture me.

I sip from my straw and lift my eyes to Han, only to find him watching me. I return his gaze for a moment and sip from my cup again. Then I turn my phone off, put it screen down, and raise my eyebrows.

'What?' I say.

Han squints his eyes and takes a sip. He takes a big gulp and just stares at me. I return his gaze with a furrowed brow.

'What's wrong with you?' He asks. I respond to his question by staggering back in my chair and straightening up.

'What's wrong with me?' I ask him right back.

What's wrong with me?

Han takes another sip and continues to stare. His gaze travels all over my face and I suddenly feel intensely that Han is somehow able to see all the kisses Felix gave me. I know he can't see them, but I still can't help but lift my hand and wipe my lips and cheeks even though I know there's nothing on them.

'You're as red as a tomato. You look...' he doesn't finish his answer.

I can feel blood everywhere. Both in my cheeks and in my neck. Suddenly I'm cooling down my face with a cold iced caramel macchiato that I press to one side of my cheek.

'So what? It's quite hot in here.' That is a lie. It is quite cold.

'Sure,' he says, taking a sip from his cup. He doesn't take his eyes off me again. I look away from him and peek out of the window. I press the cold coffee against my cheek and as I do so, my mind is blank.

'You like someone?'

I don't respond. I just look out of the window and ignore him.

'Oh god. You really like someone!'

I turn to him and frown. I don't want to have this conversation with Han. It's embarrassing. Even though he's always talking about Minho, I don't want to talk about Felix. Just thinking about it makes my hair stand up. Han would probably jump and scream or something. And I really don't want to see that. I'd probably go to the dance studio, and everyone would ask me who is it that I like. It's not worth it.

'What are you talking about?' My answer is strong, just the way I wanted it to be. It adds credibility to my mask.

Han measures me with his gaze and then slumps back in his chair. This time we both frown. 'Who's that? Do I know her?'

The question brings out the naughtiness in me. At first, I just frown at him, and then I realize. Do I know her?

Her.