Paint You the Way You Are

FEAR

FELIX

I wrap my legs around Hyunjin's waist. Our kiss leaves me breathless, my heart swelling with all the good feelings. I run my hand into his hair and felt him gasp as he breathed into the kiss. He leaned back and moved his kisses to my jaw, but it wasn't long before he was kissing me on the lips again.

Our teeth brushed together, but neither of us cared one bit. At that he pulled away from me, I opened my eyes, all breathless with disappointment and with the need to get more out of his kiss, watching him breathe heavily. His hair falling into his eyes, the wetness perhaps making him even more beautiful. He smiled and kissed me again. My eyelids fluttered and I almost let out a loud gasp. I yanked his hair and kissed him until we both had swollen lips.

I put one of my hands on his neck with his heartbeat pounding under my hand. His heart is beating fast, like mine. I felt so heated that I had to stop him when he started kissing my neck.

'Sorry, I...' I didn't even have to finish saying it, Hyunjin understood right away. He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. I mimicked him and let the ice water calm us both down. I heard his breathing and thought about what just happened. I was wrong if I thought what happened that night was beautiful. This kiss shattered everything I thought a good kiss contained. It was overcoming feelings, reviving, and folding back.

I'm falling in love with you. I hope you are falling in love with me too.

'I have something to admit to you,' he says, his voice suddenly quite calm. I open my eyes to look at him. His eyes are closed. I pull away to get a better look at him, but he won't let me get too far. His arm keeps me close, and I somehow find myself liking this gesture a lot.

'I don't know how to say this without sounding awkward.' He's whispering now. I feel his words carry me away and curiosity fills me.

'You're the first, well boy, I ever liked. It freaked me out when I realized this and I was terrified of it, but as soon as I thought of you, everything made perfect sense and it felt right, not wrong at all.' At this he opens his eyes. Looking at his wide eyes, the sensation in which his eyes look at me takes me by surprise. Not like he hasn't already done it for the twentieth time in the last hour.

I feel the weight of the words he has just said fall on me, changing the meaning of our infatuation. I think about the fact that I'm a boy who has infatuated another boy. I messed with his head and made him feel what he's only ever felt for girls.

Unable to control myself, the words he just said to me are extremely attractive, it makes me want to kiss him again. So, I press my lips to his and feel him growl, it's a soft sound, rather inaudible only to be felt under my palm.

And then suddenly I'm underwater. I immediately hold my breath and pull away from him. I aim for the surface and take a deep breath. Hyunjin appears right after, so I splash his face in retaliation, just as he opens his eyes. He shuffles backwards with his hands above his head. I laugh and start swimming away from him. Straight under the hole in the cave. I'm swimming away when something brushes against my leg. I scream. I pull my legs up and turn to Hyunjin, who has a look of utter horror on his face. Before anything else, he pulls me towards him.

'What? What happened?'

But I kick and drag him away as far as I can. He swims with me and when I'm close enough to the waterfall, I realise I'm having a panic attack. Hyunjin pulls me close and won't let me swim under the waterfall.

'What happened?' I want to answer him, but I can't say anything. I jerk away from him and swim under the waterfall. This time I feel like I'm going to suffocate. I keep swimming, but I don't move.

Just as I feel myself running out of breath I feel hands around my wrist, pulling me up. When I'm above the surface I still can't get a breath. I stare at the sky, and I feel like I'm about to die. Suddenly, I have air in my lungs. Hyunjin's icy lips breathe life into me. When he pulls away, I suck in clean air.

Hyunjin says something, but I can't take in a word he says. I feel dizzy and immediately Hyunjin has me in his arms, sitting on the shore with me. He pushes my hair back from my forehead while his eyes are all red. I finally snap awake, and the sound of my surroundings returns to me.

I stare at Hyunjin's face, watching his every expression.

'It's okay, come here.' At that, he pulls me even closer. Hyunjin sits on the shore the water reaching his waist, while I lie in his arms.

When I calm down, I feel Hyunjin shaking. I feel like a complete idiot. I've ruined the best moment I could have ever had.

'I'm sorry' I say. Hyunjin lifts his head and looks into my eyes.

'For what?'

'I know it sounds stupid, but I'm scared of the depths. And when we were there, the fact that you were there with me, I kind of forgot all about it, and then when something brushed against me, it freaked me out and reminded me why I have a fear of the deep.'

Hyunjin stares at me, eyes red and crazy. Water drips from his hair.

'What? Are you afraid of water? Why didn't you tell me?' His voice shakes and I feel like I'm a little away from breaking down in tears.

'No, not water. More like the depths, not the depths, but what's in there. I had completely forgotten about it.'

'You've forgotten that?' He chuckles at that and tilts his head.

'I thought you had cut your leg, or something had hurt you, I thought the worst. But it doesn't matter now. Oh my God, thank you for getting you out of that water. You didn't come up for a good two minutes after you dove under the waterfall, I couldn't find you. I know it sounds like I'm scolding you now, but the truth is I want you to know how scared I was and how much I don't care what led you to do what you did.' His voice is shaking but I can finally feel him calming down. He pulls me up to a sitting position and I sit in front of him, our legs touching.

'All right, let's go home, I'm going to wrap you in a blanket and not let you out until I'm sure you're absolutely fine.'

When the first drops of hot water fall on me, I feel incredible relief. Hyunjin tried to keep us warm all the way to Seoul, but it didn't help at all. I didn't show it much, but I was freezing.

I take a quick shower and put on a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. I leave a clean towel on the sink for Hyunjin. When I walk into the room, I see him sitting on the bed staring at the picture on my nightstand. I head to the closet where I pull out a clean pair of pants and a t-shirt. I walk over to him and put it on his lap.

'Here put this on, your towel is on the sink.' At that he stands up and smiles at me.

As he showers, I watch the picture in the frame. Something in me allows me to reach out and put it face down. I take a deep breath and look at the clock. It's almost midnight. Crazy how fast time passes with him.

I crawl under the covers and curl up so close I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment. Then the door opens and Hyunjin comes out. He puts the pile of clothes on the dresser and looks at me.

'Should I turn off the light?' I feel my face burn as I say yes.

When the light disappears, the room fills with the glow of the city below. A huge window across one wall allows me to watch its silhouette. He lifts the covers and lies down next to me. I feel butterflies fly in my stomach as he pulls me close and buries his face in my neck.

We lie like this without a word for at least two minutes.

'That was the best day since I can remember, ignoring the afterwards' I whisper. His grip around my waist tightens and his lips touch my neck. I gasp slightly at the sensation.

'I want your whole life to be like this, and I'll give it to you, I swear there will only be good days from now on. Even if it means sacrificing all my time.' I feel tears well up in my eyes at his words. I wrap my arms around him and say nothing, letting my gesture speak for me.

I close my eyes and let the good feeling in my heart lull me to sleep. But right before I fall asleep, I realize that Hyunjin is becoming the family I thought I had lost forever.