Repressed Memories

4/27/17

I'm fooling myself.
You don't have romantic feelings for me.
I swear it.
You probably think of me as a niece or something.
I don't know. Maybe a sister.
Fuck.
Why won't these feelings just go away?
I thought ignoring them long enough would make them stop.
I kept it a secret for three years. Maybe four.
But I spilled the beans.
I told someone about it.
And now the feelings are too intense
I feel like I might do something stupid.
It's okay just try to avoid him or something.
It's not hard. I mean he doesn't talk much anyway.
But that plan failed.
Because you were quite talkative tonight.
Especially with me.
I don't understand.
It's weird.
No not weird.
Just... out of character.
There were instances where it felt like you made excuses to come find me just to talk.
I'm confused.
And it wasn't awkward small talk.
You were so genuine.
I don't understand.
You sought me out about four times just to help me make cake and teach me things about baking.
I'm so confused.
You asked me about something- a past relationship I was in.
And you said I was worth so much better than him.
You said you thought I had a lot of self-confidence because I just do whatever the fuck I want with my appearance
And I go out in public and don't give a shit what others think.
And I said that I just didn't have confidence in that relationship I was in.
And you said
Well you should have more self confidence because you're pretty awesome.

Looking back at that now, I think you were complimenting me sure
But also,
You might wish you had more confidence.
'Cause we're pretty alike.
I mean with the style sense.
Like you have a lot of facial piercings and tattoos on your body
And I used to have a few face piercings but I had to take hem out for my job.
And we like the same music.
And I could go on and on but whatever.

And then the topic of cyanide came up
Something about almonds.
Whatever.
And someone mentioned suicide.
I think it was me.
And you said something like
It probably wouldn't be a very pleasant way to die.
And I started twitching.
I remember.
I was twitching.
I don't know what you saw.
But I remember trying to shake the damn thoughts out of my head.
I almost broke down in the middle of the kitchen
In front of everyone.

But I didn't. I shook it out and I tried to smile.
Then I left for a bit.

And I went to put some dishes away.
I walked past you.
And you teased me saying
'It's your favorite band!'
Referring to AC/DC playing on the radio.
And your smile was amazing
You laughed at me when I rolled my eyes
'Like my least favorite band!'
I smile
I look away.
Don't make eye contact.

And later
You helped me put away food in the cooler
And it was really cramped because there were boxes of beer piled all over.
So I helped you put that away as well

I don't even know how long we were in there.
I was freezing
But I wanted to stay in there with you

At one point
I was handing you a box
And you tried not to touch my fingers
It was weird.
But I know that you're just awkward about other people touching you
And I know that if we had touched
Or if I had lifted my head to look above your knees,
I wouldn't have been able to hold back.
I would've spilled my guts
And I would've confessed everything to you
In the damn cooler at work.
And I wouldn't have had anywhere to go when you called me stupid

So I tried to forget about it.
And I don't know what you felt
When I tried to make conversation
When I stalled so I could stay longer
And then
I realized we were the last two people there.
So I asked if you needed anything.
And you said no I'm good but I really appreciate it
And you smiled as you turned to look at me
My eyes flick to the floor
I spun around and went to clock out
'Are you always the last one here?'
I ask.
'Yeah usually I am'
He replies

'Okay well see you tomorrow perhaps?' I say as I walk slowly past him to the door.
'Yep, I'll be here'
'Have a good night' we say to each other.

And I left.
But you haven't left my mind.
I almost want to drive to your house
And tell you everything I wanted to say earlier.
How I was standing in the corner using the fryer
And I saw you reach up high on the self to grab garlic powder
And I stared at you
The way your arms have freckles on them
And your blue shirt that you always wear has a hole in the armpit
And how your apron rose up and I saw your hip bones.
What the fuck willow
I had to force myself to not stare at you
All night.
And it's been this way for over three years
And I can't take it anymore.
I need to tell you something.
I'm in love with you.