When You Can't Sleep At Night

April 10th, 2017 || 9:31pm

I feel nothing.
I feel numb.
Everything is wrong.

I'm almost mad,
I'm nearly infuriated.
The amount of thought,
The amount of stress,
That went into every decision made.

Every mistake made.

What they don't see is,
I worry,
I stress,
I overthink,
I'm a people pleaser,
I give in to pressure.

I think about everything I do.
I care about everything around me.
I know what I did wrong.

I don't talk about it, I know.
I live in denial, I know.
I say I don't worry about it, I know.

But it's there.
And it's always going to be there.

He gets in my head,
God I hate when he gets in my head.
He tells me everything I've done wrong,
Without a second thought.
He tells me I wasn't loved.
He tells me about a relationship he wasn't even in.

I know I made mistakes,
I know the relationship should've counted as one.
But I loved him,
I did,
And and he loved me.
And even if he thinks I'm defending him,
He should know I'm not,
I'm defending my love.
I'm defending what mattered most to me.
I'm defending what I knew was real.
No one can take that away from me.

The mistakes I've made in the past,
I can't do anything to fix them now,
Why doesn't he know that?
Why can't he understand that?
I'm always in the wrong.
I always have to learn the lesson.
But I don't know what I'm learning.

Is it to not love?
Is it to not trust?
Is it to take happiness as a warning sign?
Is it to remain unhappy?

I'm hopeless.
He said I'm hopeless.
I'm a joke.
She told me I was a joke.
I'm living a fucking lie
He said.

Life is a game.
Play it to the rules that help you win.
But the thing is,
I'm not on the team that wins.
I'm the team that had hope,
But lost.

No matter what,
I'll lose.

No matter what,
I'll never prove myself.

No matter what,
I'm hopeless.

So why not stop it here?