Love so Life

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After the two women took me with them, I finally thought there's hope for me again.
Because I've been an unwanted child, I first had no name, but the women at the orphanage were angel-like, they named me with the name 'Yuuki'.
They called me like that, because they picked me up in deep winter, and the first snow was falling.
Yuuki...
My first name...
It reminds me of my grandf6ather, he also called me Yuuki.
I will definitely treasure it.

It's been ten years, since they took me in.
At first every child at the orphanage wouldn't go near me because I look creepy.
But when time passed, they eventually talked with me and we all became friends.

Only at the orphanage though...
At school everyone is just staring at me.
Whispering to each other 'Who's that? She has a creepy look on her face..', as if I couldn't hear. Although it's true...I don't smile. No. I  can't smile. I never could and never will.

But I don't care.
I finally got a family.
A family, who's glad your there, a family who worries about you, a family who's telling you 'You're not alone.'
Although I have finally got a family and normal life, I'm still distant to everyone. I only wear black,my hair are black and my bangs are covering my right eye.
I'm a creepy emo, everyone is saying.

I want to change though. I really do.
But if someone is trying to chat with me, I always show my cold shoulder.
I really hate myself for that...
"Hey, Yuuki! Wanna go shopping with us?"
Yuta asks.
"Yes, please come along! We want to buy ingredients for dinner."
Akito says.
"Hm."
And Nao averts his eyes with a frown.
"No."
I bluntly said.
Wait, I actually really want to!
I can't believe I did it again..
"Oh, come on.."
Yuta and Akito cast both their eyes down, Nao is still averting his gaze without saying a word.
I want to cry.
Say sorry all over again and give them a hug. Yet, why wouldn't my body do what I say.
I look away and say,
"Just go without me."
They reluctenly left my room.
"..."
A tear falls down my cheek but my expression emotionless.
I ruin my first and probably last chance all over again...
Now, everyone is still trying to talk to me, but someday they will definitely fed up wih me.
"I don't understand what's wrong with her. She is just like her parents!"
Or..
"I can't believe she's like that. Everybody is doing their best for her sake! She should be ashamed of herself!"
My body shakes with fear. What the hell am I just doing...

I walk out of my room and walk into the kitchen. There are Shiharu and Rio. They're the educators of this orphanage.
Rio notices me and speaks up with a smile.
"Oh Yuuki, what's wrong?"
Shiharu joins in.
"We're having hamburger steak tonight. The boys are grocery shopping right now. Wanna join us when they're back?"
Yes, gladly! I would love to! I can't wait, and I actually cook, too!
"..."
If I could just say these words...
But I remain silent, although I don't know why.
I'm in a bad mood?
I actually can't cook?
I don't like them?

No, that's not it at all.
I'm just a damn coward, I can't even say 'Yes, I'd be glad to.'
Pathedic.

I remain silent.

"Oh, tomorrow you're going to be a second year, right? You have to go to bed early, so you won't oversleep."
Rio says, breaking the silence.

"Y-yeah.. I'm already tired, so please don't wait for me, and eat dinner without me..."
I blurt out.

The two of them furrowed there brows, and Shiharu comes closer to me.

"You got no appetite, sweetie?"
She asks me in a soothing and caring voice.
It's almost making me cry.
But I said...
"Yes..everything's fine.."
I left with that.

I lay myself in bed and cover myself with the blanket.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow..
These glares, everyone is sending me, everyone distancing themselves away, and that the whole year long.
It's sad that I'm the oldest. Nobody is going in the same year as me..
Although, Nao is even older than me. I'm sixteen and he's seventeen.
And we're going to the same school, but because he's far away from my class room, it's rare to see each other.
On top of that, he hates me.

I wish I could just forget.