Choices

Chapter 2

Erin sat in her bathroom for the longest staring at the tests in shock. How could she be pregnant? She'd always been careful. What was Hank going to say? Or Jay?

Oh God, Jay! She thought. He done nothing but be there for her and she'd hurt him so much since Nadia. Now she was pregnant with someone else's baby. She didn't deserve him and he definitely deserved better. He didn't deserve some street kid junkie turned cop junkie that was now pregnant. She was nothing but bad news and he deserved better.

It wasn't until her phone dinged with a text did she snap out of her thoughts.

"Wanna meet at Molly's? I could use some food and company after this case," the text from Jay read.

She stared at the message, the words sinking into her shock ridden brain. She couldn't hang out with him, she couldn't stay his friend. He deserved better.

"Erin? You still sick? I can bring stuff over," he text back when she didn't reply the first time.

She picked up her phone feeling tears in her eyes at what she was fixing to do.

Damn hormones, she thought knowing she was going to have to get a better handle on them for work.

"No I'm ok. I'm gonna pass. You deserve real friends Jay, and that's not me. Enjoy your night."

She sat in her bathroom floor allowing herself one good cry. She just needed to get it out. She'd ruined the best guy she'd ever had because she would never be able to escape her past. Now she was going to have a baby, a baby she didn't deserve because she really wasn't better than Bunny. She would end up screwing this kid up too and it deserved better. It deserved someone like Jay, but she couldn't give it that. She was nothing but bad news.

/

Jay stared at her message in confusion. Things had been going better between them he thought and they were on their way to being the best of friends again.

Sure he didn't know if she'd ever open to a relationship again, but she was being his friend again. And that's all he wanted. He just needed her like he couldn't explain.

He knew running into Bunny had probably taken its toll and he wouldn't be surprised if Bunny didn't have something to do with this now. It'd be over his dead body before Bunny sucked her back in after she'd worked so hard.

He decided he'd just show up with food. He knew she hadn't been eating good the last few days since she'd been sick and today hadn't been the best so he'd just take her food. Erin Lindsey rarely turned down free food.

He got her favorite soup, crackers, grilled cheese and sprite. He knocked on her door almost thirty minutes later. He knocked listening for noise, but it was quiet. He thought she might be asleep, but it was still early.

He knocked again. When she didn't answer this time, he used the spare key he had since they'd first become partners. He unlocked the door and found the apartment dark.

"Erin," he called out to let her know he was there. He sat everything down in the kitchen and went to look for her.

"Erin," he called again. He heard some movement in her bathroom and he waited in her room.

She walked out quietly and he sucked in his breath before he could stop. Her eyes were puffy and red rimmed, her hair a mess, and she was pale.

"What's wrong?" he asked rushing to her checking her for injuries thinking something was really wrong.

She gently pushed his hands from her and wrapped her arms around her middle.

"I'm fine Jay. Why are you here?" she asked not meeting his eyes.

"Because I was worried about you and thought you might be hungry so I brought food."

Erin's lips quirked a little before falling back into a straight line.

"You shouldn't be here. I'm fine," she said wrapping a light cardigan around her shoulders and curling up on her bed.

"Yea well I know you and that text was cryptic. I needed to know you were ok."

Erin gave a small shrug. "I'm always gonna be bad news Jay. You deserve better. I appreciate you checking on me but you don't have to."

Jay tentatively sat on the edge of the bed by her. He reached out and pushed some hair off her face. No matter what she was always beautiful to him. "Yea well I know what I deserve and what I don't. Don't push me away now," he said gently. "All I'm asking is friends and partners Erin."

"You deserve better," she said trying to reign in her emotions at his tenderness.

"Well I don't think so. Now let's get you some food."

"I'm not hungry," she said. She honestly just wanted to go to sleep.

"Well you need to keep your strength up so you need to eat."

"Ok," Erin said still not meeting his eyes.

Jay watched her feeling lost at what had turned her mood today. He'd been sure everything was fine. He tipped her chin up to make her look at him. "Did you see Bunny again?" he asked not letting her break eye contact.

"No," she said forcefully, fire returning to her eyes. "Not since that day with you. I'm not using," she said jerking her chin from his hold.

"I didn't say you were. Everything had been fine and then you got sick and now you don't want anything to do with me again," he said exasperated as he got up and paced her bedroom.

Erin knew he was right and she knew she should tell him, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. He deserved so much better.

"Just go Jay," she whispered biting the inside of her lip so he wouldn't see her cry.

"Not until you eat and explain," he said determination in his eyes.

Erin really didn't have the energy to fight him so she just nodded. He went to the kitchen to fix her food and she followed curling up on the couch.

She felt herself drifting as she waited. She never allowed herself to dream of the future until she'd met Jay. While they were together she'd actually pictured the whole family scene with kids that looked like Jay but acted like her. She'd let herself hope she'd have it one day, but she'd screwed up.

This baby deserved better. Jay deserved better. Everyone in her life deserved better than her.

She heard Jay call out he was gonna use the bathroom and her food would be ready in a minute, but she'd been too lost in her thoughts.

It wasn't until she registered what he'd said when she heard the bathroom door close did she remember she hadn't gotten rid of the tests yet. She felt more tears fall down her face knowing he'd see them and knowing he'd finally realize she was right when she told him he deserved better.

She couldn't stand to see the disappointment and hurt in the eyes she loved so much when he emerged from the bathroom. She took the easy way and hid in her spare room hoping he wouldn't look for her. She sat in the floor crying knowing how hurt he'd be. She couldn't stand to know she'd hurt him again. She just let herself cry.

/

Jay was shocked seeing the four pregnancy tests laying on her counter but he was even more shocked to see all four positive. Erin hadn't had a stomach bug, she was pregnant. She was pregnant with another man's baby.

The realization floored him. He did the math and knew it had to be from her sabbatical. She was having another man's baby, a man who wouldn't be there for her, who wouldn't take care of her or their child, a man who would kill her light and remind her of the past she was trying so hard to overcome again.

He decided then, she was not going to push him away. Her text finally made sense but Jay loved her. He'd always loved her and nothing would change that. He'd be there for her and the baby no matter what. It might not be his, but he'd love it just like he loved it's mother, unconditionally.