Awakening

End

2017
After that night, I just couldn't contain my excitement. I was so thrilled that I actually got to dance with you, and even more since you said I look good, I just couldn't go anywhere without noticing the good in everything. But I didn't want it to end, I had to talk to you. So, I messaged you.
Me: Hey, just wanted to say, thanks for dancing with me lol. You looked great tonight, nice suit :).
You: Yeah it was fun, you looked great too.
That made me so happy. Saturday went by and Sunday rolled along. I texted my friend Mercedes and told her what happened, she was very happy for me. Then I told her that I'm worried if you didn't actually enjoy dancing with me. And she said that I need to ask. I told her that I don't know...
Me: I don't know Mercedes, what what I say?
Her: Hey, I've had this in my mind for a while. At the dance, did you actually enjoy dancing with me. Or did you just say that to make me feel good? I really enjoyed dancing with you, and I really hope you feel the same.
Me: Ok, let me edit.
Hey, I've had this on my mind for a while.q At the dance, did you actually enjoy dancing with me? I can't stop wondering so I guess the only relief I can get is asking you That was my first slow dance so I guess I have a reason to wonder lol. I really enjoyed dancing with you, and I hope you feel the same.
Her: YES!!!!! ITS PERFECT!!!!! SEND IT!!!
Me: I don't know... I'm scared of what he'll say....
Her: You'll always wonder why you didn't send it if you don't.
Me: You're right. Let me get another opinion on it though...
I texted my friend Karina. She said it looked great, not too desperate or anything. Then, my whole life changed.
Her: You do know that he's moving right?
I froze. I stared at the screen. Trying to contain my tears, I replied.
Me: What? How come I didn't know this?
Her: Idk, but he told everybody like 3 months after school.
Her: You there?
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't reply, I couldn't do anything, my heart had broken. But I knew that I couldn't be true, I would have to ask him to know.
So I sent it. I nervously waited, the whole day went by slower than ever. I just looked out over the town the whole time, praying for something good to happen. I had always wanted you to just pack up and leave so I couldn't hurt anymore, but I never thought you actually would. Praying that he wouldn't actually go. But knowing that everything seems to go wrong for me, but the dance of Friday gave me hope that something good can always happen.
And you replied.
You: Yeah I did, you were great.
Me: Great, so Karina said that you're moving in the summer to Seattle, is that true?
Then it happened.
You: Yep.
My heart cracked. I quickly dropped my phone and went outside. I ran all the way out to the middle of a field. I cried so hard. I knew what I had to do. I had to confess everything to you. Or like Mercedes said, I'll always wonder why I didn't. And I can't let you go without knowing who you were to me. I buried my head in my hands and just say there, sobbing and hysterically crying. I looked up to the sky and screamed. I cussed and swore at who I thought was my savior and protector. 'God'.  After the dance, I had thanked him. I had officially believed he was there, and that he was finally helping me. But I mean, what could I have expected? A future with him? A chance? No, I'm not so lucky. Nothing so good can come without consequences. Everything goes wrong for me. After I settled down, I got up, went back home and got my phone out. I typed out a paragraph.
Me: Well I'm sad that you're leaving. I'll definitely miss you, I guess this is the right time to confess my feelings... I've liked you for 7 1/2 years, so after that dance I was defiantly overjoyed. But if you're happy that you're moving then I'm happy for you, I hope all goes well... And I hope you find someone nice Took a lot of confidence to say this soBut saying it will take a lot of weight off my shoulders.... And let's just keep this between you and me lol.

I was ready to send it, but I was scared. I was shaking harder than an earthquake, and I kept crying. But I just kept telling myself, "You'll always wonder why you didn't do it." My finger kept shaking as I held it over send, and finally, after more than 30 minutes of terror, I sent it. My eyes widened in disbelief of what I did. I immediately texted everybody to get some comfort. Honestly, I was scared of what you'll say and do. If you sent, "Ok, sorry but I don't like you back." "Yeah we'll get over it." Etc, the light most likely would leave my eyes. I went back to the app and saw that you read it, I wiped my tears and then it said you were typing. "Here it goes, here's my life flashing before my eyes."
And this is what you sent...
You: You seem like a great person and I'm glad you sent that.
You: I'm happy we danced.
You: I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say. I'm kinda awkward about these kinda things...

Honestly it felt good to hear that instead of what I imagined you'd say, but in those words, you can tell that you obviously never liked me back. And that hurt, a lot. But what does it matter? You're leaving anyway...
So I typed all I knew to say...
Me: I hope I didn't make anything awkward between us and I hope that we can be friends and stay in touch once you leave.
You: Yeah definitely.
Me: Alright well goodnight...
You: Goodnight

And I cried all night. I got no sleep, all I could think about was how hard it will be to face you now. When my four hours of sleep was up, my alarm went off and I just stared at the ceiling. I got up, got dressed, and put on way less makeup than usual, knowing I'll end up crying it off. I got on the bus and could no longer play the song we danced to, it hurt too much. Just thinking of it made me cry, I tried hiding my tears on the bus as a girl kept looking at me. Once we got to school I put my bag in my locked and instantly went to find my friends. I went to the corner of the school we usually meet in the mornings, and my friend Emalie came running to me, and right as she hugged me, I broke down. Everyone wondered what was wrong and when I told them, they were shocked. The whole day was a mess. I saw you quite a bit, I tried keeping my distance but you seemed to be everywhere. Even when you weren't in the same class as me, it felt like you were. At the end of school, I got my backpack and headed out the door. My dad came to pick me up for softball, we drove nearly halfway when he turned on the radio, each song that went by reminded me of you. I just couldn't do it. I no longer wanted to listen to music. I had lost interest for art whatsoever. I didn't even want to play my favorite sport of softball, I had lost interest for everything. After softball was over, we went out to eat as usual. But I didn't eat, I had lost my appetite. So I didn't eat the rest of the day either. On our way home, Mercedes texted me, she asked how I was coping. I told her what's happening and she instantly because worried. "You'll find someone else."  "But I don't want anyone else..."

Now I'm truthful when I say that being alone is my worst fear, but now, it's my main priority.