Awakening

Keep Smiling

2017
Last day of school. I tried spending every bit of time I had looking at you. Because I knew that soon enough, I would never see you again. You would be gone forever and I would be heartbroken, not by you, but myself. I've done this to me. I've hurt me and I've mentally abused myself. Thinking that I had a chance and that things would one day be different. I was wrong. I was so wrong... Little did I know that every precious memory and feeling would soon leave me,  just as you did. I know that I've wasted time writing about you and thinking about you, even crying about you. I mean, we're not even dating. I'm nothing but a person you see in class. But it felt like so much more, it was there, I could feel it, it was a spark. And now, it's gone.
Every time that damn song comes on, I cry. Ive cried so hard that I'm no longer able to cry anymore. June 4th, I put on the dress I wore to the dance, walked down a lonely road in the middle of the night, and laid down. Not caring if cars or anything came by. I stared at the hill with the cross, and began my talking to nobody at all.
"Why does this have to happen to me? Why have you let me hurt myself? Is this your plan for me? He's all I ever wanted, and now you're taking him from me. I asked for your help so many times, but I got nothing. I just wanted him to stay..."
Presumably, I was talking to whoever made my life a living hell. Whoever looked down at me and said, ok, I'm going to ruin her. Because whatever they did, worked. But at the same time I knew, I needed to open my eyes. Because the person that did this, is myself.
Last day of school. I tried spending every bit of time I had looking at you. And when the last bell of our 8th grade year rang, I immediately looked at you. You passed by me, gave me a short glance and then continued walking. I knew that this would be the last time I ever saw you. I headed out to the front of the school waiting on my dad. And of course, on my last day, I had to be the last to leave the school. Before I left, I saw you once again. You passed by me with your friend and entered an old rusty truck. Then headed off. I tried not making eye contact until you were far enough away.
Later that day, I got out my headphones and walked to the hill that overlooks my town. Our town. Our beginning, and our end. I got the courage, to play that song. The song that I used to not care about. The song that I would hear on the radio and ask my mom to skip because I didn't care to hear. The song that I never knew would mean so damn much to me. Then, I heard voices. One of them was yours. I looked over the cliff and saw you. You were with your friends biking through town. Then I knew it would be the last time I saw you. I knew that over that cliff, would be the closest I would ever be to you now. This was the end. It's been nearly a month. Not long I know, but not a day goes by that I don't think of you. When I'm alone in the house, I'll play the song and I'll scream at the top my lungs, and cry harder than I ever thought was possible, thinking that it will release all my anger, frustration and heartbreak. I did it so much that finally, I couldn't cry anymore. I would sit in a corner, play that song, and beg myself to cry. But I couldn't. I no longer can. I've done this to me. I've hurt me and I've mentally abused myself. Thinking that I had a chance and that things would one day be different. I was wrong. I was so wrong... Little did I know that every precious memory and feeling would soon leave me,  just as you did.
But if anything happened from this experience, you've helped me learn a lot of helpful things for the future. You taught me what heartbreak is, what separation feels like, what anxiety and nervousness feels like, what a fast heartbeat feels like, and especially, what love is. I learned from a special cousin of mine, that forgetting you is not what I should do. But keeping this memories alive, and remembering what I went through. I will always love you. There's no changing that. I hope that I find someone who will be just like you. I hope you find someone who is your dream girl, I hope life goes absolutely amazing. I will never forget you. I will keep smiling for me, for my friends and family, and for you. But now is my time to awake from this dream. Now is my time to enter reality and figure out what I want to do my life, and who I want in it. Now is my time, to start my awakening.