It's Not How You Start, It's How You Finish

Chapter 17

It had been a week since Rachel decided to come early. She was obviously still in the NICU. I took a leave from work so I could be with her. I slept in her room..Rob was busy with football so he would come over when he could. But he mainly just came to bring me something to eat and some clean clothes to wear. Sometimes we would switch places and he would stay for a few hours when I went home to shower and take a nap. It was never a restful nights sleep staying in her room. Between having to get up every 4 hours to pump milk for her and usually the nurses came in just as I was falling asleep, I don't think I really got more than 4 hours of sleep at night.

This morning, Rachel weighed 1lb 15oz. She was making progress. Not as fast as we would like her to but progress was progress. I still wasn't able to hold her. I could barely touch her. But she knew it was me.

I decided to text Rob and ask him to switch me places for the night so I could go home and rest up. I didn't really want to leave Rachel, but I needed a little sanity in my life.

*hey babe*

*hey Sammy. How's our sweet Rachel today?*

*she is good. Nothing has changed.*

*thats good to hear. I will be there in a few hours to see her. And you of course!*

* speaking of that, would you mind trading places with me for the night? I am extremely exhausted and need a little sanity back in my life*

*sure babe. Whatever you need. Just let me know. I will go home and pack an overnight bag and be over shortly*

*thank you. I love you*

*i love you too. Try to take a nap in the meantime xo*

After I got done texting Rob I laid on the cot that was in Rachel's room in the NICU. I don't even remember falling asleep but I was woken up by a few people in Rachel's room her monitors were beeping. It seemed alarming. Why didn't I wake up? I panicked and put my nurse hat on and walked over to her.

Her oxygen saturations were low, blood pressure was through the roof. This wasn't good. Her nurse, the neonatologist, and a few other people were in here.

*Rob come here quick. Rachel isn't doing well*

*what? What's going on*

*i haven't talked to anyone yet but I got woken up from my nap by all her alarms going off and everyone in her room. *

*im on my way. Be there soon baby*

Her nurse came over to let me know what was going on.
"Rachel is in severe respiratory distress. The echo showed she has a small hole between the two ventricles in her heart. It's causing some pulmonary hypertension which is causing the low sats and high blood pressure. You know the drill. They're sending a cardiologist now. " her nurse, Amy, told me.

"This is when I wish I wasn't a nurse. I know too much. She's not going to recover from this is she?" I asked. Tears streaming down my face.

"Sam, we are going to do everything we can for Rachel. But because of how premature she is, there's a chance she won't recover" Amy told me honestly. I burst into tears. Then Rob came through the door.

He enveloped me in a huge bear hug.

"Dr Barnett got me up to speed. Sammy I'm so sorry" he said as we sat there and cried in each other's arms.