dear john,
it makes sense that this last letter should be on my fifteenth birthday, because it leaves me wondering how things will be different on my sixteenth birthday, or your sixteenth birthday. (july the eighth, by the way. i won't forget.)
i don't know, john.
i want to say a lot of things, but in the end, you won't like any of them. i don't really think romance is your thing, if i'm honest. you're too cynical for that.
i know that you don't really care about me. you may say you do, or trick yourself into thinking you do, but you don't. not really.
and that's okay. i don't mind. there are other people, other friends, other humans i will fall in love with. (you weren't willing to catch me, that's all.)
the only thing is, i hope i don't forget. i hope i won't convince myself you were a simple crush and nothing more. because i did love you, john. i really did.
or maybe i still do. it's confusing, if i'm honest.
i wish i could just walk up to you, and say, "hey, i'm in love with you," and that would be that. (or maybe one day, i could walk up to you and say, "hey, i used to be in love with you." but i can't. not just yet.)
but this was never a romance story, just a stumbling love between a suicidal girl and a guy who'd already given his heart to another. it was just a tragic, one-sided love, and i suppose i'm looking for a tragic ending. the least you can offer me after all this pain is closure.
"are you two dating?" some young girl asked us, in the way that young children do, where their eyes sparkle as they think that love is a disney movie, but they are oblivious to the sex and the pressure and the fumbling of hands and clothes as you tear off my layers between protection and vulnerability. no, i suppose young children just think it's kissing. (it's not, but i think we all know that.)
"no," i said, but i smiled, because i knew i loved you.
"no," you said, but you smiled, because you too knew i loved you.
the truth is, john, i want there to be a different reason to smile.
and one day, there will be.
love, me.
p.s. don't worry about me, john, i'll find that day soon enough.
