Vanna
November 10th, 2014
I've been having hallucinations. There's been more voices in my head, telling me to do some crazy shit. Like yesterday I stole a watch from some jewelry store without getting caught. And it's been telling me to jump off it cliff or sum shit. I feel pain and anger all the time. I haven't even been to work in like a week.
But today I have to go to the doctors to get checked out.
Teo's been following me, like he's not even trying to be secretive anymore. He doesn't even wear all black and night anymore and he's just watches me sleep. Sometimes he even opens the window and just sits on the chair. He takes pictures of me. And now I know he's been the one taking my underwear and shit.
When I try to get away from him, like sleeping in the basement, the voice in my head tells me to go back up there and my head starts hurting again. And of course I follow the voice cuz ion want to be in pain.
But when was the last time I was happy? I feel like my life has gone to complete shit. I have no one to go to, I don't want friends with the people I work with.
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The doctor ran a series of tests at the office. I know I'm a doctor too but I don't focus on psychological problems.
"We have your test results and it came back positive for schizophrenia. You also have symptoms of depression. There is no cure but we do have antidepressant pills." The doctor said.
Well shit. I know I've been going crazy.
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November 23rd, 2014
I'm looking back through pictures of Ayo and I and I start crying.
He doesn't love you.
"What no, stop." I tell myself. He does love me. My mind keep denying it.
Your'e not worth anything. Die.
Tears pour out of my eyes. Those antidepressants aren't working. It's been making me worse. I feel sad everyday. I feel like I can't live. I haven't eaten. I've been suspended from the hospital due to my condition. Teo sleeps with me at night. He just breaks into the house and goes to the basement. I told my mind to shut up and just let me sleep in the basement, but it's no use now since Teo come to the basement too.
My mind is starting to control my actions. I feel like shit. I miss Ayo so much but the voice keeps telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. And sometimes I believe that. My head hurts so much.
cut yourself. It helps.
I walk to the bathroom and grab the razor. I start making cuts. I cry as I do it. Why can't my mind just stop with this? I can't stop myself either. I don't wanna do this but it's not letting me stop. I have no control.
There's blood all over the floor once I'm done. The voice laughs in my head and disappears. I clean it up and go to sleep.
Teo comes in the middle of the night and holds my stinging wrists.
"You didn't have to do it. It could have been prevented if you just stopped caring about Ayo and if you just leave him. You could be with me." Teo says to me and I feel the bed dip down.
What has even happened to me? I hope Ayo gets a trail soon so he can come back home.
Stop thinking about him.
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I'm sorry for not updating in so long. I don't have a phone I just have a computer and my house is getting fixed right now so I had to move all my stuff somewhere and I don't know where my computer charger is and it's on lowwwww battery right now. So I'll update again once the house is done and I can find the charger.
Sorry. But thanks for the support you've given me.
unicorn gang
