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The Past Has A Dirty Face II

July 2009
Mum!!! I screamed from my room as i noticed water running down my leg with an excruting pain following it.
"Zarah what's wrong" came her voice from downstairs.
"I think my water just broke" I said in a panic making her run up to my room in a panic.
"Don't worry my dear, we'll leave now" She said sounding more like she was trying to calm herself more than me, because I was already having my first contractions and Yeah It hurt like hell.
"Faisal! Get the car running your sister is in labour!"
"Yes, mum"

I was rushed to the Labour room and hours later I was hanging on for my child and my life. Ya rabb I screamed losing my breath with my mum beside me praying for my life.

It all went black.

3 days later
Mum!! Her eyes are opening, came Ya Faruk's voice as I struggled to keep my eyelids open.
"Alhamdulillah, My dear are you okay? Are you hungry? Are you tired?"

My mum went on and on with her questions but the only thing that ran through my mind was the well being of my child.
"Where is he?" I said finaly finding my voice.
"My princess, you know that whatever Allah wills is always in our best interest." My dad said breaking the silence that went on for about five minutes after my question, I was scared for what might come next because of the pity I saw in their eyes as they looked at me sadly while my dad went on with a hadith That I paid no attention too.
"Dad, I asked for my child, I want to hold him before we send him off" I said cutting my dad off.
"Princess, you trust us don't you?" He said as if mentally preparing me for the worst.
"I do, you're my hero afterall. But dad i want to hold him" I said with pleading eyes.
"My dear, your child passed away few minutes after birth" he dropped the bomb and then left the room but before he left I saw tears in his eyes.

'No!!!!! It can't be right?', I said turning to my mum who had already broken down. 'Ya Faruk, they are joking right? Please you people should stop it where is my child? I want to hold him, I want to tell him I love him, I want to tell him to trust in Allah and we would reunite.'
I said with hot tears leaving my face. I was done with the lies so I pulled out the Drip that was connected to my hand and attempted walking away to find my child, but I was held back by Faisal who hasn't said anything since the news was broken to me. "Faisal, you would help me bring my child right?" I said looking at my elder brother with pleading eyes. I had no idea what had happened next as I had fallen into feared oblivion.

2 weeks later
It's been two weeks and I still haven't accepted the fact that I lost my child. I never want to. Everything seems sad and the only person I've spoken to since then is Aisha, when she came to see me in the hospital a month after her mum's death which was also when I discovered that my child was dead. We wept in each others arms for what felt like an eternity until we fell asleep.
Aisha was the only one I told about the events in my life in the past few months and only she understood me.
"Aisha could you help Zarah to her room" came my mum's voice as she walked in on me and Aisha starring at some photos on her phone.

About a week ago while I was still at the hospital i was informed that I had the possibly of having Obstetric Fistula. Due to the complications I faced.

I was pushed into shock by the revelation so much that i lost my memory of everything that i had been through but unfortunately not the face of the man that ruined my life. I've been stuck in my traumatized world and Aisha is freaking out about it, I know no one understands the pain I go through everyday when I walk down the corridor in school or in the streets or pass our staff unit and I'm the topic of discussion everywhere.
I was raped and yet I'm blamed for leading him on, night's go on but and I lay awake thinking whether i slit my wrist and end my agony or live and fight this battle.
Everyday I come back from school and hope to get back my life but it's gone.

5 months later
Still living in the agony of the past year, my mum sent me out to get something from across the street I'm heading out of the house and I walk by two guys who cat call me and ask me to bed, saying it makes no difference to me as I have been through it already. My heart is sliced by their words and I hurry back inside into my room and look for the blade I hid a few nights ago , i sit there in one spot holding the blade and contemplating on whether or not i do it. I sit there for almost an hour wondering if I should take that daring step and do it but their words come back taunting me and in no thought I do it, i slit my wrist and sit there in wait for my death. Just then Faisal walks in on me and I'm rushed to the hospital and asked to start seeing a psychiatrist.
It's this what it has come to, first I am raped, then I lose my child and now I'm called crazy.
My psychatrist was a woman in her thirties, she was really nice to me and helped me overcome the nightmares I used to have and I become really close to her, so much so that I call her Aunty Halima.

Months went by and I finally start talking and smiling and then I accept my faith with the help of Aunty Halima and look forward to what the future and what it holds.

End of Flash back

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