Born in Black and White

Chapter 25

Kairi slowly deteriorated over the next two weeks as Sherlock, Mycroft, and John dove head first into the case of Sebastian Moran. They were trying to get more and more information from their sources in the government, the homeless network, and criminals who tended to snitch for the right price. There was no length Sherlock wasn't willing to go to find Sebastian Moran. However, in his fervor, Kairi was left in the way-side, consumed by her past.

Molly was busy with work, but would try to visit until Kairi shut her out completely. She wouldn't even respond to Lestrade or Mrs. Hudson, who both threatened to break down the door unless they heard from her. She spent most of her time watching Disney movies, drinking whiskey, and smoking. She could barely sleep with visions of fiery hands gripping her skin and leaving painful, boiling welts, waking her to breathless and dry sobs that wracked her body. The time spent in the darkness, alone was debilitating and all she could feel was a desperate fear. Even Appa couldn't pull her from her misery. She fed him and took him out for walks in the middle of the night when she knew no one would be awake, only to ensure that she kept her hermithood. Eating was practically impossible. The smell of food made her sick and trying to ingest anything except coffee and whiskey ended up in a violent puking session that left her dizzy for hours. Her soul was sick and slowly disappearing.

Sherlock was gone almost all the time and Kairi didn't necessarily mind. He hadn't really tried to talk to her and most of his attempts were rebuffed by her inability to stay focused. She'd asked him to leave twice at the beginning of her seclusion and he hadn't returned since. She wanted to be alone. She didn't want to be around anyone. She wanted to disappear.

Being sexually assaulted at such a young age made sense of her adult life. Symptoms such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, lack of intimacy, trouble forming relationships, and much, much more harrowed the life she could remember. All of that could be related to that one act committed over twenty years ago. The truth and severity of how damaged she felt broke her heart and scared her. There was a sort of 'lightbulb' moment that went off in her mind upon the realization that her assault validated the theory that she was truly faulty. She spent her entire life feeling out of place and feeling inferior to everyone around her. Those dark moments, when fear and self-loathing would possess her, now seemed to have more truth to them. No one else seemed to be so broken and dysfunctional. She had lost so much and she barely gained an inch while fighting back. She didn't want to fight it anymore. She couldn't excuse the years of shame and disgust that all broiled to the surface. As much as she tried to tell herself it wasn't her fault, she still felt the pang of utter helplessness, that she was somehow to blame. Her parents had protected her and tried to help her, but they were probably too afraid to dig deeper into the issue that she seemed to forget. Plus with all of the cover up work going on, it was likely that the only shrink she would be allowed to see would be military personnel or someone attached to it. They would probably just try to strengthen the mental block she'd created instead of helping her deal with the pain and the self-hatred that resulted from her attack.

Those times she did talk to psychiatrists were usually to deal with some sort of behavior issue, like acting out in class or starting fights. Kairi rarely spoke to anyone in her younger years, but she managed to get into a lot of fights, usually with bullies who ended up picking on the wrong kid on the wrong day. When she went to a psychologist about the death of her father it was to deal with her grief. Though that act was primarily pointless, she eventually learned to shove it all away and go through her day to day life, at least pretending like she had a purpose. She always had dreams of traveling, so she did so, but it was empty and she barely enjoyed it. There were glimpses of happiness in her past, but it was rare and at this moment, it hurt to think of them. Everything was corrupted by shame.

She had talked to Molly for a little bit, before closing her out. Precious Molly who was an emotionally open and vulnerable person had sat and cried for Kairi when Kairi could barely shed the tears herself. Now she understood what her mother had meant about not liking to be around people who were sad. Seeing Molly, so full of emotion and empathy made Kairi want to die a little quicker than usual. Molly's love for her was unwarranted, Kairi had nothing within her deserving of that much devotion. At this point, she felt empty, unloved, and so very invisible. She was glad Sherlock was not around because she couldn't bear to look in his eyes and see the tiny flicker of some emotion pass over them. Every emotion she saw from her friends was just pity. She couldn't feel anything else. There was no worse way to sully her than what Moran had done. Everyone knew of her stigma, it was a red letter carved into her chest, and there was no coming back from it. She would always betainted.