If that first entry didn't scare you away, welcome. If anyone even read that. And now onto one of the saddest parts of my life.
My love life.
I am nineteen years old. Nineteen and I've never been kissed. I've never been on a date. I've never seen a dick (in real life) and not that I'm pressed for the last one to happen anytime soon. BUT I'd love to have had my first kiss by now.
But of course, I haven't and it kind of sucks. Three of my friends (yes, the friends I don't really like. But actually only one of the three with boyfriends is in that group that I'm not exactly fond of) from college all have boyfriends.
And I'm happy for them but it's annoying because... Well, the first guy that I knew liked me back ended up having a kid (way after our little flirtation ended). And then in college, this guy I just wanted to be friends with, ended up liking me.
It was high key annoying because we had a great vibe but also I just wanted to be his friend. But we ended up cuddling and now I actually hate the word cuddling/the act of cuddling. It sucks bc people apparently love cuddling.
🙄🙄🙄
Anyways, he's kind of a cool person but we don't have that great conversations and also, I JUST WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND.
Ugh, ugh, ugh. I want a boyfriend. But also I'm not prepared to have a boyfriend. So I really want a guy friend. A guy friend that may possibly turn into something more.
Some guy I think is cute and we have the same sarcastic/goofy humor. A guy that we can chill and talk about art and have similar music tastes. A guy that smells good as heck.
A guy that loves God so we can talk about Jesus together. A guy who has a car so he can drive me to church 😂.
Y'all, I'm tired of being by myself but also I totally okay with it... kind of. I just want to love someone and I want them to love me too.
Update**
I'm done with sex. (Even though I've never had it). I'm done for now. The act of listing and mastirbation and all that is so... Idk gross.
I don't want that in me right now. I want companionship. I want someone who likes to be around me. Who gets me.
OH ALSO, one of the 3 who have boyfriends broke up with her guy. I don't know why, I don't wanna push. But I hope she's alright. She really liked him... I hope everything's okay.
But it should be. I guy doesn't define you or our happiness. At least he shouldn't.
I feel like if I were to get in a relationship I would lean to much on him. I feel like that's why God has kept me single for so long. I like to believe I'm a strong independent woman but deep down, I'm pretty sure I'm not.
I literally crumble when I guy shows a smidge of interest in me. Why do you think I stuck around the one guy friend who I knew was interested? I feel disgusting admitting it.
I wanna puke.
I watched porn again last night. I feel disgusting because why am I looking for physical pleasure? My mind is fucked up man. I just... I'm don't with sex for now.
