rant book

•

hurting.

i am feeling so sick to my stomach, but not an actual sick..you know? i really need someone right now. i need to be held. i need to be talked to or listened to. i need someone to care. i feel like i have no real friends everyone is with me for pity.

and today in history my 'friends' and i were minding our own business and all of a sudden the people in the back were calling us weridos so me being me i defended us and told the guy that we arent werid for not being like them and that he was a piece of shit, my friends laugh and of course he felt the need to "roast me" over it..like you are being a dick of course ill say something. but it was just so upsetting like he is gay and these fucking seniors (we are both sophomores btw) were making fun of him and saying how he'll never become anything and i was just hearing it all so i sort of stood up for him. but i don't want to regret that just because he has a dickhead attitude but i sort of do..

this entire day was okay but every period i just felt like my friends were ignoring me and distancing themselves from me. but i put on a tough face and moved on. i almost cried twice but i held it in.

now this is the complex part that im not sure if i should say but i need to get it off of my chest? anyway i am sorry in advance if anyone of the people i don't want to see this sees this...please just let it be...

im in a relationship and i love her very much but i also dont feel happy in the relationship? and sometimes i feel like she feels nothing for me until we video chat then i feel our spark but other than that it feels so empty. our personal conversations are always so dry until we go into groupchats or like i said video chat. and sometimes i think we should break up but that might hurt her and that is not what i want..i do love her in all ways..she's beautiful, funny, and just perfect. she has beautiful eyes, and soft skin..i love her so much i just don't want this i guess

and besides that i fall easily for people and i liked two people at school before i met her. both of those people are in relationships and one of them was someone so important to me..is it bad that it still hurts me to know they both have girlfriends and im just here?

and on top of that i think i have a crush on my 'best friend' but i dont know if i really do or if i just like the idea of us..I AM SUCH SHIT FOR THIS

i hate myself