The Witness (H.S.)

18

"Forget about it?", he repeats standing in front of me and snorting disdainfully.

"As if I could forget this night! Do you still not understand what I feel for you?" Desperate, he searches my eyes for an answer.

"No, Harry. I thought I knew it the moment you kissed me but then you regretted it so fast that I know nothing anymore", I admit honestly and look down. It's all so confusing. Tenderly he pushes his fingers under my chin and lifts my face so that I'm forced to look at him. His green eyes bore into mine.

"No. I don't regret a second, Hayden. Not one. I had a heavy conscience because of Josh. I'm no one who steals the woman of another man", he says softly but with emphasis as if to make sure his words truly reach my stubborn head. My heart beats so loud I'm sure he can hear it.

"Josh and me connect nothing but friendship, Harry. I told you it's ok", I say silently.

"I know. I should have believed you. I just wanted to do the right thing. But gosh, you make it so damn hard", he says and bites his bottom lip.

"From the very first moment I laid my eyes on you, you draw me in. I'm in love with you. Completely. Head over heels." I hold my breath. Did he really say that? He's in love? With me? I'm certain my eyes are as big as saucers and my heart is jumping out of my chest any minute now. Can I believe him? What's the right thing to do? When his lips press softly against mine I have my answer. I can feel it in each movement of his lips and in the gentleness of his touch on my cheek. He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. Slowly I open my eyes.

"Hayden, I lov-", he starts to say those words I long to hear from him but suddenly it hits me. And before he can finish I start shaking my head and interrupt him. This is wrong. So, so wrong. I take a step back from him, even though I crave his touch. But I know I won't be able to go through with my just found decision if I stay close to him.

"Don't, Harry. Don't say it! It's wrong." I take another step back still shaking my head frantically.

"What do you mean, it's wrong? I don't expect you to say it back. I know we haven't known each other that long, but I can't help how I'm feeling. I love you and just wanted you to know. I want to be with you", he says passionately.

"It's just... you can't love me. You shouldn't! It's not right. I'll break your heart and then you'll hate me and then...", I start rambling but as I notice I'm just about to reveal my biggest concern I cut myself short. Ava. What will that do to her if he finds out who I truly am?

"Hayden,-", there it is again "-I could never hate you no matter what will happen. What are you afraid of?", he says desperately not understanding why I withdraw from him. And I can't even give him an answer. I feel so bad. This isn't easy for me. I'm not only breaking his heart right now. But it's what I have to do and I hate myself for it.

"I'm sorry, Harry", I whisper weakly, turning around and heading straight for the playhouse to get Ava, leaving him with confusion in his eyes and hurt written all over his face standing on my patio, shattering my own heart to pieces with each step I take away from him.

***

I'm not sure if I was relieved or disappointed that he didn't follow me. I kind of wished he might have, not accepting my decision and fight for me. But he didn't. Not then and not till today. Three days later. Maybe, after all his feelings aren't as deep as he first thought, still I can't deny that I'm hurt of his lack of fighting. It's probably for the best anyway. But as soon as I look into Avas big eyes and hear her asking if Harry will come over to play with her I regret my decision. I'm just so torn. I rob my daughter of spending time with him but on the other hand I try to protect her from getting hurt in the near future when he'll learn the truth and there will be no going back. I guess there is no middle way in this - either way she'll get hurt. And how am I supposed to tell her that after the other day I'm not sure he'll ever come back. There's nothing I wish more for as for being with him. I don't even care for my safety anymore - I would wholeheartedly give it up if it meant I get to spend time with him. But as much as I don't care about me, I do for Ava and it's my highest priority to ensure she's protected no matter what it takes - even if it shatters my heart to a million sharp pieces drilling into my chest and reminding me constantly what I lost.