Shattering Me

1~ The Start

  I knew that it was cold. Some part of my brain could still feel the chill sinking into my flesh. I could still tell that the rain was pouring down on me. It weighed down my body even as it soaked my sweater and jeans thoroughly. My bare feet were screaming silent cries from the cool metal below them. There was no doubt it was cold, yet I didn't feel like it was.

   My world felt as if it was encased in smooth glass. Can you imagine it? Couldn't anyone? Like the soft rolling of a marble across the tips of your fingers. Or like the smooth numbness against the palm of your hands when you touch a window. So soft, and so clear, and so utterly numb that you doubt whether or not that glass is actually cold. Everything felt that way for me.

  It wasn't always like that for me, though. I used to feel the heat sinking past my skin on a summer day and the light of the sun always reached me. I knew what it was like to feel alive, but ever since the accident that left me all alone in life, it's been getting colder. The sun has been shining paler and the heat of day grew dim with the changing season. Now, I have no one left to call family, and nothing left to truly call home.

   I stared up at the sky, staring unflinchingly as the rain continued to assault my face. I used to love the rain. The way that each drop tickled and made me want to smile and escape from the next one. Now, each drop simply rolled off my skin without causing the slightest sensation. "Water can't break through glass skin," I said to the clouds.

   The sound of an aggravated growl tapped against my senses from behind. "What the hell does that even mean? This isn't funny," he growled again, but I didn't turn to face him. I only lowered my gaze to see the clashing waves expanding out into the sea below me. Almost a hundred feet of open air filled the space between the violent waves and the cold slippery bridge below my feet.

   "I've become glass. The rain can't break through my skin anymore, so it just rolls off. I can barely tell if it's actually falling on me," I answered his question out of courtesy. My mother went to a lot of trouble to drill manners into my head. Even after being left alone, those lessons still came back to the surface.

    I had to shut my eyes hard to stop the memories from rising up and tormenting me. Every time I remembered what my life was like before the accident, those memories would burn a hole in my chest that just filled up with more numbness after it faded.

   I'd already made up my mind, however. There was one memory that burned hotter and deeper than any of the others. A boat trip up north with my sister and parents. A souvenir snow globe we'd all agreed to get from the gift shop. Standing out on the edge of the deck as the sun settled and hiding beneath the horizon just as it was now. My father's words, "This one is just the way it should be. Not a crack or imperfection anywhere on its surface. Yet, if you look at how fragile it is on the inside, it's obvious that it won't last too long like this. So kids, why don't you drop it into the sea to keep it safe forever?" when we questioned him, he told us how the water kept glass safe and clean even at the bottom of the sea. We dropped it almost immediately and imagined fishes carrying it to the bottom.

    I'd already decided, that my insides couldn't hold out for much longer. At least, this way I'd be safe from breaking.

   "You have got to be kidding me! look at where you are standing! Can't you see how far up you are? This is not some game, man. Come down from there," his anger almost made me turn, but I resisted. I barely knew him and he barely knew me. When a stroke of thunder snapped the clouds and lit up the world for just a moment, I could see just how high up I really was. The waves below were frantic and hungry. They thrashed and climbed over each other almost as if in a frenzy awaiting my fall. The sight sparked a fear in me and froze me from head to toe.