ALBUS POTTER AND THE BETRAYALS BLOOD @-thatravenclaw

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by interhousecommunity

by interhousecommunity

REVIEW FOR "ALBUS POTTER AND THE BETRAYALS BLOOD" BY -thatravenclaw

PJ'S REVIEW

First of all, kudos for chapter titles. I am a million times more likely to continue to read a book if it has chapter titles, as opposed to just "chapter 1, chapter 2, etc." Normally I'm not a fan of the waking up first scene, but you manage to pull it off well by using an uncommon writing style.

I would skip the physical description of Albus. When writing fanfiction, I avoid long descriptions of canon characters. This is fanfiction, read by fans, who already know what the characters look like. Additionally, the part where Ginny hits Albus on the head seems a bit out of character. The whole breakfast scene could be shortened, these paragraphs are unimportant to the plot (unless there's some foreshadowing I'm not picking up on. In that case, don't delete anything.)

I love the line "hell broke loose." The short sentence gives a nice contrast to the longer sentences before and after. Diversity in sentence length makes the chapter easier and more enjoyable to read. In this paragraph, we start to see more of the family dynamic. You do a nice job of story-telling through a mix dialogue and narration.

Again, the scene in Diagon Alley could be more concise. And take out the parts in the fiction which are in the canon books.

James' interrogation of Teddy and Victoire is hilarious, and the Sirius joke will never get old. (Strangely I've never heard it used for James, but it really works, the wordplay is fabulous.)

Okay, the word "Sksnsnzbdns" is not a word, nor is it Spanish. If you're going to use another language, use Google translate, or find someone who speaks that language, but never just put made up letters. I speak (nearly) fluent Spanish, and would be happy to help you.

I love the name Nova Fitzgerald, and I love her character. But please, please don't call her skin "chocolate," I've included an external link as to why that's problematic. The page also describes how to write POC characters without being offensive.

I liked the thing about Headmistress McGonagall, it's a nice reference to Ron from the original HP book. And the cliff-hanger at the end of chapter two is extremely well-executed. I'm excited to read more about Seth Ripper.

Chapter three starts out with wonderful descriptions of body language, and you illustrate Hogwarts very nicely. Ok, I LOVE your sorting hat song and the student's names. Names from the wizarding world are hard to get right, but yours are great. However, Finn and Teresa aren't particularly Spanish names, nor is Lidia an Indian name. Behindthename.com is a great resource to find names (with filters so you can search by origin, alphabetically, and by masculine/feminine.)

Also, cut out the long descriptions of all the student's facial features. Introduce the character with one prominent feature, and then save the descriptions to scatter throughout the book.

Side note: when mentioning Molly Weasley the perfect, make it clear that this is Molly Weasley Jr. Lastly, when closing the chapter, I would add one sentence that says how he feels or how tired he is, or just something so the chapter doesn't end on dialogue.

Closing Comments: Overall, this was a well-written story. However, it needs to be more concise, at times your descriptions are on point. But the breakfast scene, Diagon Alley scene, and the sorting scene are too long. Additionally, there were several spelling and grammatical errors. If you are just using Wattpad's built in writing page, I would recommend downloading a grammar check. The one I use is Grammarly (the free version.) It's a program that you can use as a plug-in on Chrome (meaning Grammarly will correct your spelling/grammar right on the Wattpad page.) Another thing you could try is using a word-processor, such as Microsoft Word, which has a better spellcheck. But don't use Pages if you're on a Mac, the spellcheck is the bare minimum on Pages. Besides those two points, the story was researched, and you weaved canon facts alongside your own imagination very smoothly.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me! My main is weasleyclock and pm'ing that account is the easiest way to reach me. Thanks for submitting your fanfiction. I hope this was helpful, and I'd love to see the edits you make after reading this!

♡PJ