Inner Demons

Downward Slope

Do you ever just feel that you can't talk to a person you know about something that has happened to you? Like you feel that they are all too busy for you, or you feel as if you really don't deserve to complain. Like you feel that their problems are bigger than yours. But even though you feel that way....you want someone to listen to you and help you. I mean....just because a person can smile doesn't mean they're happy. And just because a person frowns doesn't mean that they're sad. You are the one who is there for the others, yet sometimes you feel unappreciated. You feel that way because they don't tell you what they feel most of the time. And you know, everyone has the right to keeping their emotions to themselves, but when you see them struggling and not asking for help, it kills you. The feeling of being useless settles in. A little while late the feeling slightly gets worse, but you have to deal with the next day. Which starts off a hectic wave of emotions for you. You don't know how you survived. And wonder if you did survive. You haven't shown any emotion. You ask yourself, "Am I okay?" The only thing is you know you are not. Not an ounce of feeling has coursed through your veins. You found out that your family is not as perfect as it seems. You found out that no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from getting hurt, someone will still manage to hurt you. And not in a physical way, but emotionally. You found out that the small things that you kept dear to your heart meant nothing to the other person. You realized that people can change within a moments' notice. You've realized that most people, who you've tried to get to know on a deeper level, are as shallow as a pond. You have already known that promises truly never happen. But, for some reason, you decided to take the bait. You fell for the trap of that one promise. It screws up a person. After you let your unemotional self become emotional and fall for a promise even though the wise you is saying don't fall for the hype. Yet your heart badly wanted the other to keep the promise. You never have let your wants distract you from what you need, but this time you felt as if you owed it to yourself. You owed yourself some freedom that would make you truly happy. Alas, it turned out to be a promise that could not be upheld. It kinda annoyed you. You should have ignored it. You should have agreed with your brain. You should have been unemotional....yet you fell. When you had high hopes, and then for your high hopes to be knocked out under your feet. You've had it. You're sick of the lies, the never-fulfilled-promises, the fake-it-until-you-make-it out look on life, the shallowness within the human population, rumors about good people, the many expectations and responsibilities, and overall...everything. You tell yourself you can't give up, but deep down you know that you're fighting a battle that can't be won. At least not won during your lifetime. You just want to wave that white flag. You want to surrender. This battle has drained you of all of your energy. It's gotten to a point were you don't sleep at all and don't even eat correctly. Or is the eating disorder due to the self-caused stress that you put on yourself? Or is it because you feel as if what comes next is not worth it for you to be eating? And the sleep. You haven't told anyone of your nightmares. Why do these things follow you into the night. You never get enough sleep. Just another reminder of the world you live in. Have you just given up? When you feel as if everything is a downward slope. fudge.