Saint - Finding the Normalcy Within the Abnormality

Chapter 17

       The next morning I woke up in Callie's bed I was slightly taken aback, but I quickly remembered what transpired the night previous. Despite my rough exterior I actually don't like to be away from Axton. I feel powerless without him. I woke Callie up and forced her to make me breakfast. She did so begrudgingly but I still got my way so it doesn't matter to me whether or not she says slick shit under her breathe or not. We ate before I took a shower and she got ready to go to school. Luckily her first block is a college course so she can be late. I bid her goodbye before making my way home. My actual home. I don't want to go back to Axton's because he's harder to face than my parents. I rub my belly for comfort as I approach the familiar home. I haven't been here for so long that I kind of feel like a stranger.

       I made sure no one was home before taking the key under the pot and going inside. I go straight to my room just in case someone happens to come home. I sit there bored for a while since I just stormed out of the house I have nothing to entertain myself with. I lie on my bed and began to think for a while. Like seriously think about if this life is the one I really want. I don't believe there will be any serious complications in our life because Axton and I are chill people. Especially when it comes to our relationship. However, when I begin to think of a life without Axton's goofy ass smile my heart hurts. I know that one thing is for sure. I can't live without Axton.

       I was awoken by a violent shove. I groggily turn to face the person who had been so rude. His face was filled with anger and his eyes were red. Had he been crying?

       "Really?" He exasperated. "Are you that immature that you couldn't even come home?"

       "Why does it matter? It's not as if my feelings are ever considered," I snap out involuntarily. I didn't want it to go this way, but since he wants to be a little bitch.

       "Jacob please for once consider my feelings! Do you know how worried I was?" He exclaimed kneeling in front of the bed so we were eye level. "I was scared half to death that something had happened to you. When Callie texted me that you left I thought you'd come straight home."

       "I did come home," I said spitefully and I could see the hurt in Axton's eyes

       "You told me you weren't upset. You told me you were fine," He tried to defend himself. "How am I supposed to know how you really feel if you don't tell me?"

       "So I'll tell you now. Do you think I enjoy it? Do you think I find it amazing? Do you think I think that whatever it is growing inside of me is a miracle, a blessing? It's not Axton. It's a curse. I feel awful ninety percent of the time because I'm not supposed to be able to have kids! My body has been thrust into producing an ability only meant for females! It hurts Ax! Every day I wake up I'm in excruciating pain. Why? Because my skin isn't supposed to stretch like this, my body isn't able to handle all of this. I'm on iron pills because a child is crushing my insides. Do you think I can't feel it? Every time he moves I feel disgusted. I feel as though I'm some freak. I feel as though people look at me as if I'm in a circus. I don't feel normal. Yet everyone around me is acting as though they see this every day. How am I supposed to express how I feel to the man who's most excited about this? How am I supposed to tell you that sometimes when he kicks me it feels as though my appendix will burst when you get so excited every time he does? How am I supposed to ask our mothers for advice when I'm a guy? When my anatomy is not the same as theirs? When I get worried about giving birth because they both never had a cesarean? How am I supposed to feel comfortable with all of this Axton? How am I supposed to be okay when the reason I got pregnant in the first place is that of a circumstance I had absolutely no control over?"

       "Jacob, I'm sorry," He said in a desperate attempt to make me feel better

       "It feels as though everything has been out of my control since even before the day I got pregnant. How would you feel? You live your whole life thinking you're a normal guy then one day because another guy couldn't control his feelings for you, you found out you were carrying his child. You had to deal with the pain of your body adjusting to a foreign object commonly known as a fetus."

       He takes my hand and holds it. His head is down as he begins to cry. This, in turn, makes me cry. But not for his reason. It felt as though weights had been lifted off of my shoulders. It felt as though I can breathe easy again.

       "I didn't want to hurt you, Axton. That's why I never told you," I say using my other hand to pet his hair.

       "I've been being selfish," He sobbed. "I can't even say anything because I am excited. I was so happy that you were having my child that I forgot to worry about you. You're right Jacob. You have a right to feel this way. I should've paid more attention."

       "It's not entirely your fault Ax so don't carry that burden," I tell him seriously. "It's my fault for thinking that it was better to keep this all hidden. Come here."

       He climbed into my bed and sobbed into my shoulder as he held me tight. I run my fingers through his hair. I like it when Axton cries. I like that he thinks he isn't too manly to express emotion. Especially right now, it's as if it's a sign telling me of the regret he feels which means he knows how I feel now. That's the only thing I can ask for; understanding.