Scarred

Human

Chapter 14 Human 

Sam’s pov  

The definition of strong is mentally or physically powerful or capable of exerting great physical force. I don’t know why people have always told me that I’m strong just because my mother and father with siblings died and when Bridget died. Sure I carried on with my life I didn’t cry in front of all the people because I knew they all were hurting just as much as me so why rub it in their face but above all I wasn’t looking for pity.

No, it doesn't make me cold just because I don’t cry in front of others. I still cry and break like everyone else. I used to cry myself to sleep everyday after I lost my  parents, after Kevin and especially after Bridget. So no I’m not strong, I’m barely holding it all together.

Do you know what it feels like to lose all of the control that you’re supposed to have over your own life? I do. To feel yourself hanging on to only a fragile thread that’s supposed to hold  you alive. It’s hard but a lot of people do that on a daily basis and still gets called weak so tell me how am I any better?

Sure we all have low times and some have to endure them everyday and it sucks but it’s worse to feel below low everyday living without having the hope of that it gets better. I’ve done that so many times, always falling back as soon as I get up. After a few times you stop trying to get up and face the reality somehow you become addicted to the depression like a drug addict and do you want to know something more that’s even scarier. I’m not one bit better than them because I am as much stuck down there like they are!

People,therapists and psychiatrists have tried fixing me over and over again but just like everyone else they realized that if it’s too broken it’s better to throw it away, why even bother with mending something that never possibly can be fixed.

I know that I am to cut and bruised to be fixed and I’m scared that Clarie and Nathan will see that and leave. It would be better if they did for their own sake but I am selfish and I want them to stay. I have dealt with way too much in my short life and I am sure that someone out there has had it worse but that doesn't really help me and I might sound like a selfish brat saying that but it’s the  truth and almost everyone reason like that because you want what’s best for yourself before we consider others and I am no different and those who say they are is just kidding themselves even more! I don’t know why people say that your strong, do they do it because they feel like they have to or just because of common courtesy? It doesn’t matter if they just want to be nice because it angers me when they say that I am strong when I feel so weak and I hate that they do it out of pity!

The past weeks has made me feel a little bit lighter but I know that it’s just the calm before the storm. Even though I almost can touch the love that Clarie and Nathan is radiating, I still know that I will mess it up because I always do no matter how hard I try or maybe that’s the problem. I give up before I’ve even tried to make it work and I know I shouldn’t but I still do so. What have I done to deserve it, the happiness I mean. I honestly don’t I mean I am the reason for 5 persons death even if I might not have been the one who literally killed I’m still the reason behind them. How can anyone be so cruel that they kill their own family? I ask myself that everyday.

You know how a stone sinks really fast in water, I sink as fast whenever I am starting to feel alive. It’s not anybody’s fault that I’m this way the only person I can blame is myself for letting humans crush me down like I’m nothing. Sure people like Kevin have contributed to a whole lot of my pain but if I somehow found a way of shrugging it off then I wouldn’t have to feel worthless all of the time. Instead I let myself get beaten and do nothing to justify myself and that have to be the the lowest of patheticness. As they say it doesn’t matter how many times you fall off what counts is how many times you get up. I fall but I never get back up again and that’s one of my biggest flaws.