Scarred

Concrete Angel

 Chapter 1 Concrete Angel

When you're young you think love is easy and that you're going to find the prince charming just like the princesses even though you know that you're not one. At some point in your life you have to wake up and realize that's never going to happen. I learned that at the age of 5, I lost all of my faith in other people. Blaming what had happened on myself but it was never my fault and  I'm starting to realize that. My name is Samantha Parker and I'm 17 years old and this is the beginning of  my story.  You might wonder why the hell would someone tell their life story to a stranger well I am not doing this for you I'm doing this for me so that I can move on with my life.

I should probably start from the beginning so that you understand. My full name is Samantha Emily Parker and I was born 1996-04-02. I had a younger sister, an older brother and two loving parents,I remember being so happy but it all changed when I turned five. My parents and siblings were on the way to pick me up from kindergarten when it all happened. Another car crashed right into the side of my family's car, it wouldn't have happened if the driver wasn't drunk but he was. I remember having to go to the hospital, I was so young and when they told me that my family wasn't coming back,at first I didn't get the content of what the doctor was saying but then I just lost it. I was never a loud child and the doctor didn't even wait for someone I knew to come around before he dropped the bomb it was like we were just going to talk about the weather and that was the first time I felt the stinging pain of abandonment.

Do you wanna know something that hurt me even more than losing all of my family, no one of my relatives wanted to take me in, none of them!  I thought that it was because they resented me for killing my own family because that's what I did, wasn't it? It doesn't matter that I wasn't  the one driving the car for I am still the reason that they were driving down that road! It should have been me and I don't blame them for resenting me anymore but I did when I was 5 and I felt like the loneliest person alive. Now I get that I deserved it, why should I have the right be happy when I've caused so much sadness to so many lives?  I was nothing more than a heavy burden that nobody wanted.     

At the age of five I ended up in the system but I was quite lucky. The whole thought of it was terrifying but it wasn't like I could change so I started to grow up faster because of the situation I was put in. I might have been only five at the time but that doesn't mean that I had a mind like one.

The family I was placed in were really nice but it would never feel the same as being at home. That was at least what I thought when I first moved in. I adapted faster than you could say home because eventually it felt like home, a safe place. My foster-mom Bridget grew on me more and more for each day that passed by. I could tell that she actually wanted me even though we in no way were related and that thought me another great lesson. Blood isn't always thicker than water.

It didn't take me long until I realized that she was  unhappy. In the beginning I thought I was because of me so tried helping her with everything so that I wouldn't be a burden. Bridget would let me help but only with easy things like wiping the table after breakfast or putting my plate into the dishwasher. Everytime I tried helping her with other things she would tell me to go and play because children wasn't supposed to clean they should play and be just that while they can.

What she said made me cry not because she wanted me to play with my dolls, it was because I thought she didn't want me to be around her and that hurted me. I had already been rejected once and I didn't need for it to happen twice. I didn't know what I was supposed to do if she didn't want me either now that she knew me.

But when I turned 7 I started to get clues to why she was unhappy. My foster dad Kevin worked away from home but then he decided to move  his work  into the house and that's when she started to tense up even more and every time I looked into her eyes all I could see was pain. He would scream at her all the time. She did everything while he would sit in his office and drink beer. He was an alcoholic! Nobody seemed to notice that, which was weird, I mean I was 7 and I saw the signs clearly, it's not like you had to be a genius to understand it!

When I was about 8 my mom,yes, I called her my mom because she really felt like a mom to me just because she never tried to replace her,she just wanted to help me! For a weekend she went to visit her family in New York. I was left home alone with my foster dad who never cooked to anyone but himself. Mom had luckily left food in the freezer for me to reheat and I thought that would be my biggest concern during the weekend but it wasn't. I don't think I've ever been so wrong in my entire life.

I remember the sound of his foots slowly dragging themselves upstairs and I was surprised that he could even walk because he had been drinking from the time he woke to the second before he started to walk to their bedroom. Only that night he didn't walk into their bedroom he walked into mine..

It all started when he asked me to scoot over and I could smell the strong scent of alcohol every time he breathed out! I thought he'd forgotten which was his room since he was so drunk so I thought I'd just let him fall asleep and then I would sleep on the couch but I guess he had other plans that involved destroying me.

I felt his hand slowly going lower and lower until he touched me in the most inappropriate way possible. I was 8 and what even gave him the right to do that? I  told him to stop  and I remember how I pretended to fall asleep just so he would go away but it didn't work it only made it worse. He grabbed my hand and made me touch his thing..

I've never been that abused by anyone. I was so young and confused. It was like my body just turned on an off switch so I didn't have to deal with it. I have never felt so used in my entire life,but I already knew that I had to find a way to deal with it. That was the day my wall's started grow higher than the eiffel tower.

I woke up the next morning and carefully sneaked out into the kitchen and made breakfast and went into the tv room just like it was a usual morning. Kevin woke up much later and started to say something that should have been an apology but it was only him making sure that I wouldn't tell anyone what he had done. He said that he was drunk and that I couldn't tell Bridget because their marriage would never work out if I told her what had happened. So when she returned I simply didn't because I thought it was my fault that it happened in the first place and maybe it was! I still haven't figured that out.

I thought that I would forget what had happened but I still hasn't it's like what he did destroyed me piece by piece. I still haven't told a soul about what happened and I never will I mean who would believe me? I can't trust anyone because I've  learned from all of my negative experiences that no one will be there when you fall. These past events have made me what I am today which is scarred and that's what im going to be for the rest of my life.

I had to act everyday like nothing had happened and every time my mom left I was terrified that it would happen again. It took so many years for my mom to get the courage to leave him. 7 years of pain and misery. I hated him so much for what he had done to me and I will never get back those years of my childhood that he stole away from me.

When they divorced I thought that I finally would be okay again but boy what I was wrong. Kevin was so delusional that he thought that I would want to come and live with him after everything he did to me,how could he even think that?

I moved with my mom to New York to have a fresh start. I was soon turning 17 and we had lived in the apartment for almost 2 years. My mom went to the store to buy everything that we needed for my birthday while I were home cleaning. I remember feeling weird all day like something bad was about to happen but I shrugged it off thinking I was only being paranoid. She had left in the morning and the clock was ticking and ticking and the afternoon came along but she still wasn't home. I called and called but she didn't pick up. I was worried sick when my mobile started to ring. I thought it was mom cause I didn't check the number. And that was when my whole world fell down on me for the second  time! I can deal with what kevin did to me but this was way too much for anyone! What did I do to deserve all of this pain? My mom had been run over by a car when she walked over the street on her way home. Once again someone died because of me, It was my fault everyone kept dying around me. If it wasn't for my birthday she would be home with me. I hated myself for this. If I hadn't been born so many people I loved would be alive. After the accident my aunt Clarie took me in. She loved even though we weren't related just like Bridget had done. I'm so grateful for that because otherwise I would have ended up in the system again.

So as I said I'm going to tell you my story not for your sake but for mine so that I can move on and be happy! This is just the beginning and I have no clue how it's going to end or what happens in the middle all I know with certainty is that I had a rough beginning but that doesn't say that I won't be happy again. Even though that it feels like I have to go through hell and back to get up on my feet again. I'll do it for me.