Sucker For Pain

Chapter 2

After I showered and washed the smoke and sin from my hair and skin, I vegged out in front of the couch with the cordless phone in my lap. I think I saw every rerun of Friends known to man but I didn't absorb any of the humor. I was basically just waiting for hear from Val that she hadn't killed Matt or put a hit out on me. But hours began to pass and I received no call.

It was nerve racking. By three o'clock, I considered calling Brian to come over and keep me company but I knew he'd suspect something was up and would press for details. I wasn't ready to spill any beans just yet.

I went to the kitchen and filled a large glass with ice water and chugged it after taking two Advil for the lingering headache that I didn't know whether it was a product of a hangover or fear. I knew nothing would kill the pain of waiting, wondering what the hell was going on, if Matt was busted or if we both were.

Did anyone see us making out in my parking lot? Had anyone at the bar seen us leave together? Or worse, had he confessed? Had she packed her bags and called her sister to come get her? Or even more worse, were they making love all day in an attempt to repair his conscience? Were they still fighting going round and round in Val's normal way of accusation and Matt's denial?

Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I called Val's cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I called their home number, hoping she would pick up. Instead Matt's deep baritone answered "Hello?"

"Hey...Matt. It's Jess," I said trying to sound normal.

You know the woman you just had sex with last night.

"Hey Jess," he said calmly "Did you have fun last night?"

For a second, I thought that he was talking about us and was horrified by his nonchalance. But then I heard Val in the background demanding the the phone and realized that he was only talking about the bar.

"Oh yeah, it was a great time-lots of fun." I bit my lip to keep myself from babbling.

He didn't reply because Val snatched the phone from him. Her tone was happy and way more calm than our last conversation. "Hey. I'm sorry I forgot to call you back. You know, it was high drama over here for a while."

"But you're okay now? Everything's all right with you-and Matt?" I had trouble saying his name. As if it would somehow give me away.

"Um, yeah, hold on one sec." I heard her close a door; she always moved into their bedroom when she talked on the phone. "Oh yeah, I'm fine now. He was just with Brian. They stayed out late and then ended up going to the diner for breakfast. But of course, you know, I'm still working the pissed-off angle. I told him he's totally pathetic, that he's a twenty eight year old man and he stays out all night. Pathetic, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so. But harmless enough." I swallowed hard. "Well, I'm glad you guys made up."

"Yeah. I'm over it, I guess. But still...he should have called. That shit does not fly with me, you know?"

"I hear you," I replied and then bravely aded, "I told you he wasn't cheating on you."

"I know...but I still pictured him with some stripper bimbo super fan from Aftershock or something who dropped to her knees to blow him just to be able to post she had his dick in her mouth on Facebook. My overactive imagination."

For some reason, I was more than slightly offended but before I could respond, I heard the door open again and Matt's deep voice say something about being late.

"Kay," she said away from the phone "I gotta run, Jess. We're going to the movies. You wanna come?"

"Um, no, thanks." I replied happy to get away from that slice of hell on Earth.

"Okay. But we're still on for dinner tonight, right?"

Fuck, I thought to myself remembering we had dinner plans. There's no way I could face Matt or Val tonight and sure as hell not together. "Nah I think I'm just going to stay in. I'm nursing a major hangover and I feel kind of nauseous."

"You're such a fucking light weight," she laughed.

I briefly entertained the idea of reminding her who left the bar wasted the night before but decided against it. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well I'll call you after the movie...maybe you'll feel better."

"Maybe," I lied.

I hung up the phone thinking that was way too easy. But instead of feeling relieved, I felt sad that I wasn't going to the movies. I was missing a chance to sit with Matt in the dark. To be able to stare at him while he wasn't looking.

I shook my head to clear the thoughts as I sat on the couch and waited for the guilt to come. It never does and I'm absolutely certain there is something wrong with me.

Val and I had been best friends since freshman year at Huntington Beach High school. But I had known Matt longer. As a matter of fact, the previous night had not been the first time we shared a bed. There were a number of pictures our mothers had of us sharing a crib or bed as toddlers. It was adorable and my mother loved to refer to him as my future husband. On some level, I think even our parents thought we might end up as a couple but puberty, who had been spot on with Matt, gave me a raw deal. Acne and an overbite caused me to develop my personality and I prided myself in being a good conversationalist. But still the summer before 8th grade, seeing Matt and the guys glow up so handsomely made me want to change my doomed appearance. I begged for braces which gave Brian and Zacky free license to call me metal mouth. Jimmy even wrote a song detailing ways I could get my braces stuck in zippers. Yes it was as dirty as it sounded. But when my braces were gone and I had seen a good dermatologist, I was looking pretty good.

I know Matt thought so too because after one garage band practice, I was almost certain he was going to kiss me. At that moment, I realized that I had never understood how much I wanted him to. My heart pounded against my chest in that moment only to be interrupted by Val and Michelle who I had invited over to meet the guys.

And I never got that moment back. Until last night that is.

No it was a mistake and would never happen again. Ever. To prove the point to myself, I called Val and left a voicemail to say I was too sick to go out to dinner. Of course I knew that she turned off her phone during the movie so by the time she called back,
I'd be fast asleep.