Sucker For Pain

Chapter 15

After the crazy weekend was over, with me narrowly escaping Michelle's wrath, I found myself waking up Tuesday morning excited for Matt's impending visit. He texted earlier in the day to let me know he was running late and I used the time to make myself as presentable as I could.

I flossed and brushed my teeth and lit a gardenia scented candle in the kitchen. I changed out of my drab work clothes, put on black lacy underwear under my jeans and t shirt. Even though I knew nothing could or would happen or so i kept telling myself. I applied a touch of blush and some gloss, making me feel casual and comfortable, the total opposite of what I was feeling.

He wasn't late. At 8 exactly the doorbell rang and I opened the door to find him dressed in some worn comfy jeans and dark blue crew neck tee that accentuated the color of his tattoos and his muscular arms. He looked good enoughto eat.

"Your neighbor was smirking at me," he said with a lazy dimpled smile taking over his face as he stepped into my apartment following me in the living room.

"Which one?" I asked trying to suppress the nerves in my voice as I lead him into the dimly lit living room.

"The one to the left. 4C," he replied sitting on the same couch Brian made himself comfortable on a few days prior. He didn't look quite as at home as Brian did but maybe that was because he had never been to my place without Valary present.

Valary, I thought guiltily. My friend.  I shook my head to clear my mind. "Impossible. It's in your head," I said out loud unsure if I was talking to myself or to him.

He chuckled lowly and the sound was pleasant "It's not in my head. I know a smirk when i see one."

"Well my neighbors on that side were in Europe for the last two weeks,"I said dropping myself into the corner of the couch. "You just have a guilty conscience."

"I told you already, Jess, I don't feel guilty about what we did," he said, his warm brown eyes boring a hole into my soul.

I had to look away first  before I drowned. "Do you want something to drink?" I asked standing "I have water, tea, soda."

"Water would be great," he said.

My hands trembled as I moved to the kitchen and open the fridge to grab to bottles of water. I attempted to make small talk "So did you guys get a tour schedule worked out?"

"Yeah," he said quickly "I think we're gonna extend it through the south this time. Seems like we always have trouble getting those dates scheduled."

"Well I'm sure the people down there will appreciate it. Seems as if you focus your dates in the west so it'll be good to see new scenery and other fans," I said satisfied with the normalness of my voice walked back over and handed him the water bottle and dropped myself back onto the couch.

He smirked again and he said "Thanks" before opening the bottle and proceeding to drink the whole thing.

I opened my own and took as sip before placing it on the coffee table. There is silence and its uncomfortable. Should I mention Val? Should I vow to be be a better friend and tell him that I can't do this?

"Jess, look at me," he said.

Valary, I repeat in my head as I looked at my hands and then back at my coffee table. I felt him shift closer. 

"Jessica, I need you to look at me," he said leaning closer and I turned automatically.

Before I knew what was happening, he pressed his lips to mine. The kiss started softly and then became more urgent. Almost as if we were afraid that the the other would disappear and we needed to kiss to stay together. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. I didn't dare move a muscle so the moment wouldn't end. I don't want to think about what happens next, about Valary, about what the hell we are going to do if anyone finds out. I just want to live in this moment.

I don't know how much time has passed when he pulls back and lifts his hand to touch my face. "I can't stop thinking about you," he said softly rubbing his thumb softly along my jawline.

I can't either. And I want to tell him that but my conscience picks this moment to kick in. "We can't be doing this," I replied hoarsely.

"I know," he said but leaned in to kiss me anyway.

We kissed for a long time, very few words passing between us. Nothing about his relationship, nothing about why this is so wrong. I realize that we've crossed a line. Before it was just a drunken mistakes but this kissing is deliberate. We have both expressed that we know we are wrong but we don't stop. Before, we could chalk it up to too much alcohol but now we are out of excuses...

And we don't really seem to care.