PENDULUM ▸ BTS

fourteen

i grew frantically mad, and struggled to force myself upward against the sweep of the fearful scimitar 

distance from pendulum to ground: one foot

j u n g k o o k

suddenly, jungkook's mind was overwhelmed by a crushing wave of sounds and colors as more and more memories rushed into his head. it was strange--he had been memory-less for so long, that he had grown used to the empty, hazy feeling in his head. but now, the fog in his mind was clearing, and he had begun to see.

and feel. for there were emotions, too. so many emotions. for with the arrival of each new memory, a new feeling enveloped him. at first, he felt joy, and happiness, and a sort of bliss, as images of a young, dark-haired boy filled his mind.

that must be me, he thought, with a faint smile, as the young boy's laugh echoed in his ears--a pure and carefree declaration of happiness.

there he was, as a young child, riding a tricycle, sliding down a slide at a playground, spooning cereal messily into his mouth, with milk and stray cheerios spilling onto a blue-checkered tablecloth.

he suppressed the urge to let out a blissful laugh. after so long in this terrible, lonely darkness, these images of his colorful, happy childhood made his heart lighten and his troubles, for a brief moment seemed to cease. gone was the pit and the pendulum and the darkness.

memory after memory was fed into his mind, and he grew increasingly content, as the images flooded his senses. with each one came the memory of the scents and sounds and sights that he had observed at that time. and so he smelt the mouthwatering scent of homemade apple pie, felt the prickle of grass under his feet, and heard his mother's jovial, contagious laugh.

but the most prominent memories of all were the ones that featured his older brother. the older boy could be seen comforting the younger version of himself, helping him up when he got hurt, and playing video games with him, each of them focused intently on the tv screen in front of them.

what bothered jungkook, however, was that in none of his memories could he make out his brother's face. it was always just a bit too blurry, or his back was turned to him, or jungkook just hadn't been facing the right way. it frustrated him that he couldn't see his brother's face, but was content with just hearing his voice. it sounded strangely familiar, but he couldn't quite place where he had heard it before. 

forgetting entirely about the pendulum, he settled back and listened to all of the new words and voices collecting in his head.

"i love you, jungkook."

"jungkook-ah, be careful okay? i don't want you to get hurt!"

"jungkook, would you like me to read you a story before bed?"

"we're so proud of you, jungkook!"

"it's okay, jungkook, everything's going to be fine."

"happy first day of high school, jungkook! you're going to do great! and you'll have your brother to protect you."

"i'll always be there for you, jungkook."

"go kill yourself, jungkook."

jungkook flinched. the voices he had been hearing had all seemed to belong to the same collection of people--his mother, his father, his brother, his grandparents... but the last voice had sounded so cold... so cruel. 

he suddenly didn't want to listen to the voices anymore. but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't block out the incessant jumble of words and voices that was filling his mind.

"you gonna cry? crybaby."

"anyone who ever loved you was wrong."

"you deserve to die, jungkook."

"you're so stupid, jungkook. just kill yourself already."

jungkook let out a choked gasp as he shook the voices from his head. he was crying, he realized. i hate this, he thought, as the voices increased in volume. he tried to block them out again, but he still heard snippets of them, and those alone were enough to make him cry even harder.

"...hate you."

"...nobody loves you."

"...die."

"...stupid...ugly...fat..."

he suddenly felt a painful impact from behind, as the memory of an older boy slamming him against a locker appeared in his mind. the boy whispered something in his ear--the exact words of which jungkook couldn't make out. but what he could distinguish was the hateful, cold tone in the boy's voice that caused an intense, burning pain to erupt inside him. 

"go away! please stop this!" he screamed to the darkness, as he closed his eyes, struggling to get the memories of the icy-toned boy out of his head. but he couldn't. the more he tried, the more vivid and painful the recollections became, and the more he cried. 

and all of a sudden, the memories did stop. his mind felt instantly calm, a cool, serene darkness filling his head. he relaxed slightly, relieved that the hateful words had ceased, and that the pain had stopped.

but then, out of the darkness, a single new memory emerged.

and this one was the worst of them all.

"stop!" he yelled, curling inwards as he began to watch the recollected scene unfold in his mind. he would have gladly have the storm of memories from earlier return if it meant that this one, terrible remembrance would disappear.

because all at once, he knew.

he knew why he was here.

he knew what he had done to that boy.

he knew what he had done to his brother.

"please, i'll do anything... just make it stop..."

"kill yourself, jungkook."

jungkook slowly opened his eyes, and saw through his blurred, tear-filled eyes the glinting edge of the pendulum. and in a final act of mad despair, he let out a strangled, tortured cry and forced himself upwards onto the blade.

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