Rise

Chapter 8

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Sometimes I wonder

if love is worth fighting for

but then I see your face

and I'm ready for war.

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It was the following afternoon after our night of camping. We'd already packed up our camping stuff, leaving almost no trace that we'd even been here. I was, once again, sitting next to my window.

But this time, I wasn't thinking about what was out in the big, big universe. No, I was thinking about how stupid I'd been last night. So incredibly, tremendously, unbelievably stupid. I didn't know who that girl had been, that girl who had stargazed and smiled at Han Solo under the stars. Where she'd come from, I had no idea.

    I'd completely lost my dignity. I'd let down my walls and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Had anything bad happened to me in doing so? No.

But a second was all it took to shatter someone's life. I should know; I'm still picking up pieces of mine.

With a frustrated grimace, I looked down at my hands, narrowing my eyes as I thought. I could not, would not, allow myself to fall victim to another trap.

Would I have to give Leia, Luke, and Han my trust eventually? Or could I forever consider them as acquaintances? Here is how I know whether I consider someone a friend or not:

I imagine them in a life-or-death situation, and then think: would I die so that they would live? If yes, then they're a friend. If no, then they're not. It's that simple.

The thought of Luke and Leia dying makes me feel oddly sick, and the thought of Han dying makes my stomach turn into sand. I try to think up a definite "yes or no" answer, but I come up with none. I realize that this is very bad.

It means that I've allowed myself to become attached. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it: this would end badly. This was a Rebellion in a war against an Empire. People were bound to die.

    So Luke, Leia, and Han were at very high risk of death. If I allowed myself to get close to them, I'd be even more damaged than I already am if they died.

    As I thought about this, I also remembered: Tomorrow, we'll be going to Taris. Tomorrow, we'll all be sneaking into Imperial territory.

    Tomorrow, we go to war.

    With a deep breath, I tried to calm down my steadily-increasing heartbeat. I would defend Han, Luke, and Leia like they were any normal soldier. I would focus on our mission. I would not have a panic attack in the midst of the fight.

    As I remembered my previous panic attacks, a thought hit me like lightning. It sent vibrations throughout my bones, and I felt my heart plummet at the thought.

    Ramala.

    The Togruta I'd known in Mos Eisley. I'd forgotten completely about her! I'd been so invested in becoming a rebel and hiding my true self that I'd forgotten about Ramala.

    It all came rushing back. Me, in the midst of the attack on Mos Eisley, trying to get towards the City Circle to find Ramala. Then the Millenium Falcon had arrived, and I'd abandoned her.

    The thought of what could've happened to her made me sick. I wanted to throw up, but I somehow managed to keep my breakfast down. I took controlled, calming breaths. Ramala was smart. She was determined; she could take care of herself.