So Long Not Goodnight (A FRERARD Fan Fic)

Chapter 11: I cant be back here

I nearly froze over, walking around hopelessly wishing I was dead. I was dragged back where I started, my father. He didn't want me back, he told me I disgusted him, repulsed him. He kicked me to the curb and sent me out with a couple of dollars and said he'd tell my grandmother that I was coming, I guess he did care a little?

Did I repulse everybody, I was starting to repulse myself. I couldn't stop staring into space, imagining it clamming me until I couldn't breathe, until I was lying limp on the floor, feeling nothing.

I hadn't seen my grandmother since I was much younger, my mom hated her. They had a fight over something and I remember my mom screaming at her telling her that she hoped she died in hell. Never saw or spoke of her again.

The bus stopped in front of an old villa, resembled something from the early 1800's elegant and bold. If someone was out to make a statement it was my grandmother.

I wiped my red, taunted eyes. The same eyes that had bled for my mom, my dad and now Frank.

I opened the latch of the dark green gate, the size of it seemed a little unnecessary but was that something my grandmother did? I couldn't remember.

Her winkled fingers twisted open the doors handle, she was startled to see me. Her face was frail, unlike the face full of life that I clearly remember.

"Grandmother?" I asked vaguely, hoping that it was her.

"Gerard! For the love of god I've missed you!" she formed a shelter around my body with her withered arms.

"I never thought I'd see you again, your so big now.... not quite what I expected but handsome" I wasn't sure if that was mean't to be a compliment but I didn't mind.

"Yeah I know" I said trying to form a smile but being unsuccessful. She saw the light die in my eyes and something died in hers.

"I'm so sorry Gerard, for everything" she said pulling me into a warm, grateful hug. The type that left you satisfied, almost.

I could hardly take in what my life had become, my mom was gone, my dad had run off with another woman and despised me and Frank the only other person who ever loved me didn't love me anymore. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that seemed to have become my life.

"Do you know why I'm here?" I asked my grandmother as she pulled out biscuits from a tin covered in teddy bears, obviously for the grand children.

The look on her face was smokey, in hesitant.

"Cookie?" she asked looking down at the chocolate chip biscuits that the tin contained.

I didn't want to eat but I didn't want to seem rude so I took one and nibbled it awkwardly.

"And yeah, your dad kind of explained but only very vaguely" she added taking a cookie and sitting in the seat opposite me.

"Your not disgusted, out raged, not even disappointed?" I asked taking a decent bite of my cookie.

Her glassy blue eyes seemed hollow, she wanted to hug me again I could just see it.

"No of course not Gerard, why would I be" she said offering me another cookie, this time I turned it down.

Why? Because I was a failure, a freak, a push over. Everything I shouldn't be.

I didn't reply, instead I let the silence boil over my head, exactly like I did when Frank told me he didn't love me.

Tears built up in my eyes but I forced them down, I went blue in the face, struggling to keep my eyes from flooding. I suddenly felt light arms clutch as tightly as they could around my weak body, I collapsed into them like a house on fire. I was burnt and damaged.

"You need some sleep Gerard" She whispered in my ears, her voice soft unlike my dads. I nodded my head and carried my dying body to the spare room, that had become my room. I shut my eyes tightly, pulling the covers over my shaking body, hiding from reality, it scared me.

I slept, but it wasn't peaceful or relaxing.

~~~~~~~~~

I awoke to the smell of something that smelt so good, yet still churned my stomach. I felt bashed around, I didn't think I would be able to walk. That feeling of being alone sunk into my skin and stung.

I got myself out of bed, struggling to my feet. A light hum echoed from the kitchen and swept into the room, filling it with colour and welcome.

Our eyes met. She smiled, I didn't quite smile in return but I tried.

"Morning Gerard, breakfast?" she asked, flipping pancakes and bacon in separate frying pans.

"Yeah thank you" I replied, my voice frail like it had been hiding in snow.

I took a seat and watched as birds flew around the retro garden. My mom had always loved sparrows, she would call for them every morning and watch as they perched against our flower pots, their beaks wide as if they were smiling back at her. When I closed my eyes I could almost hear the longing in her voice as she whistled sweetly as she always had.

The plate landed in front if me, startling me. I could smell the pleasant sweet smell of syrup and pancakes mixed with that perfect salty balance that bacon always provided. But it wasn't enough to distract me from my thoughts, they seemed to run freely going places so dark I honestly couldn't find them anymore.

"Thank you" I said, lightly avoiding to much fuss.

"Your welcome Gerard, how was your sleep?" she asked sitting opposite me as she had the day before, this time with a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of her.

Thinking back to my sleep, I couldn't tell her the truth. After everything that's happened I've learnt that people never really like the truth.

"It was okay, I guess" I remained as neutral as I possibly could.

"Oh, that's good" she replied suddenly dunking her face into her breakfast.

"So... Why haven't I seen you since I was younger?" I had to divert the conversation from me.

Her face went blank, she looked at the clock as if it was turning back time, back to that moment.

"Uh well I don't think we should bother with history like that, it was just a very silly, regretted thing of the past nothing more" she stuttered avoiding eye contact.

"But I want to know, I need to know" I stated, refusing to back down.

She became stubborn and stiff.

"NO! Gerard just drop it please" she shouted, sternly.

I jumped from my seat slightly, frightened by the tone of her voice and the emotion on her face.

We finished our breakfast in silence. The awkward feeling swum between us, drowning us in thoughts we didn't want to think.

I went to room without another word to my grandmother. Clutching my head in between my legs. I could smell Frank on my skin, I still felt his hands untwined with mine. I cried, I cried until I couldn't breathe, couldn't see.

I heard a knock at my door. A small voice crackled from the other side, they mumbled something like 'I'm sorry Gerard, here's some lunch for you if you feel hungry'.

I waited for her to leave, and opened the door. A plate of hot meat pie and a steaming cup of hot chocolate. I took it into the room and sat behind it.

The pie smelt like home, what my mom used to make when it was my birthday. I couldn't bring myself to eating it, I had this feeling that if I did it might burn me, hurt me.

I knew that this was a peace offering but I couldn't accept it, I didn't want anything not unless it was Frank or my mom.

<3~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~