So Long Not Goodnight (A FRERARD Fan Fic)

Chapter 15: A secret isn't a secret with me

Getting home was awkward. Mikey seemed distant as he usually was but Frank he seemed hopeless, like he just had no where to go, no escape from what was about to eat him alive. I didn't want to say anything about before, but I knew that at some point I would have to, I wasn't prepared to let this secret fester for much longer because whatever it was it was stabbing Mikey and bleeding Frank dry.

"I'm so glad that your Lydia saw sense, I honestly don't know what I would have done if she had sent me away without you" Frank broke the silence.

" Yeah, But why did she change her mind? it doesnt make that much sense. One moment shes against it and the next shes telling me to behave when im away...Its....- its just weird" I stuttered, watching Mikey in the rearview mirror. His eyes stopped and he froze in discomfort.

The discomfort filled the air making it hard for any of us to breathe.

"Yeah I dunno maybe she just saw something in us... I dont know, it doesn't matter I got you and thats all that does matter." Frank looked at Mikey for answers but Mikey simply looked out the window trying to bury whatever he was feeling under himself.

"Yeah..." i replied, I wanted to continue asking until I got the answers I needed but something told me that I should stop for now anyway.

"I love you Gee" Frank almost whispered. The glossy appearence in his eyes shook me, he held in such hope for something that he knew was impossible.

I wanted to grasp what that impossible something was but everytime I got close he pulled it further away.

"I love you too" i replied grabbing hold of his hand with my apologetic eyes meeting his. 

And it was that feeling of forvever when my skin collided with Franks that made me somehow light even when things got heavy. I needed that and I craved that.

Walking into the appartment was liberating because I knew that this was my home now, these people loved me and wanted me here, they wanted me. 

"Your staying?!" Ray rose from his place on the sofa. His hair was messy and had fallen all over his face.

"YES!" i almost yelled. The excitement drilled through me like a nail, but it wasn't painful, it felt good.

Ray's affection got the better of him and I suddenly felt my body surrounded.

"Now we can actually have some real band practises, right guys" sarcasm pouring out of his mouth. 

"hell yes Mikey?" Ray asked Mikey, who just stood in the corner silently. 

"haha yes Ray Ray" he slightly smilled revieling teeth that I never even knew where there.

"Well we should probably give these two love birds some well deserved privacy shouldnt we....I'm sure they have some celebrating to do" Ray winked at Frank and I. I felt my cheeks heat up to over 100 degrees and watched as Franks did the same. 

Considering Ray nearly walked in on us last time, he wasnt about to let it go.

Frank took my hand in his and led me to his bedroom, our bedroom.

I took my usual place on his bed and hugged my knees to my chest. Shutting the door Frank came and sat opposite me. His face turned worried as he realised my distance, I held in tears for something that I didn't even know.

"Whats wrong Gee" Frank beckoned lifting my chin level with his. 

"Why won't you tell me" I simply begged feeling my voice crack with the pressure. Frank looked at me blindly, as if for a second his vision had disappeared and he could no longer see. But I could see  and I knew that whatever was wrong it wasn't disappearing in his darkness.

" I-Gerard I-" He couldn't bring himself to speak. Everytime a word came out of his mouth it was dis jointed and unfinished.

" Frank" My eyes began to burn because it was getting to much. Frank let a tear fall from his eye, it left a disturbing trail down his pale face. I watched as it burn't his skin, his heart screaming internally.

" I'm not going to be here for much longer, I don't have much else to say" Frank stumbled. I caught his head in my hands as it fell. 

"What do you mean?" i questioned, stroking his jaw softly.

The look in his eyes scared me.

"I have cancer Gerard and its already spread through my entire body...I only have a few months to live theres nothing anybody can do" Frank may as well have died then and there, I saw his body nearly pass away with the bleeding of his own words.

I didn't say anything beacuse what could I say, I was about to lose the one thing that kept me alive, fed me, taught me how to breathe on my own. I would have no one. This time I wasn't sure if I could live through my own darkness of being alone. 

"Frank" i begged feeling tears drift through my own eyes and down my cheeks. I had nothing to say, only actions.

I pulled Frank into me, colliding our lips and tongues together. This was different to any kiss we had ever shared beacuse this time both of us knew that this wouldnt last forever and pain guided us to somewhere unknown and unreachable. I could hear Frank whimper into my mouth, he hadnt stopped crying and niether had I but I could feel that our hopeless sorrow was becoming something so different, something I had never felt before.

My hands rubbed up his back, finding his hair and having my way with it. Franks attempted to do the same, but his hand seemed to have so much more control and confidence than mine. Our lips hadn't broken away and I wasn't sure I ever wanted to breathe again anyway so we kept them intwined. It wasn't sadness anymore, it was something heated and longing. My body had become sensitive to every touch that Frank and I shared and I felt a longing rush through my viens.

Frank pulled me underneath him, every part of his body against mine. His body begged for me, his hardness proved that and so did mine. His gentle licks against my neck made every hair on my body stand up, every part of my body tingled uncontrollably. I let out a whimper, this seemed to give Frank confidence pushing him to my every limit. His hands slid under my shirt, touching my open skin. He threw my shirt onto the floor, I was cluless as to what I should do, my mind was in a daze, I was overwhelmed and I loved it. Frank's hands guided mine to do the same thing with his shirt, feeling his skin against my palms made me sweat and shiver with anticipation. 

He pulled away.

"I shouldn't be doing this with you Gee, this isn't fair on you" He said with a look of disgust in himself.

"But I want this" I replied, feeling reality slowly slip back into my grasp. 

"I won't take it from you Gee" Frank replied dropping his head into his hands.

Something held him back, maybe it was the fact that he knew all to well that was more than just sex, it would promise so much, promises that Frank couldn't  keep.

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