Letters to Life: Letters written to a lost life

crowd of thoughts 1

dear life,
it pinches my heart to know that there is no point in asking you how you are. i know you are fine as always. i am not doing much good lately. i have never done much good. don't you know it all too well?

every night the unwelcome tears stain my cheeks. it becomes difficult to embrace sleep. but you never come to console me. i want you to come. i want to sleep in absence of thoughts and dreams. i don't want to go anywhere or meet anyone. just you, me, darkness and silence. cold silence. i want to curl up into your arms and survive an endless, cold, dark, dreamless, peaceful night with you.

i feel empty these days. but my chest feels heavy. i have been walking for too long now. i have realized that this journey is never going to come to an end. with every step i take, a hope emerges that maybe, just maybe, this time i will get a better view of my destination. if only wonders worked so often.

i have grown tired of walking now. on this endless journey, i have collected emotions, stories, smiles, tears, colours. now, all that remains is a formless mass of nothingness. all the emotions i have collected, i can neither sense their goodness nor darkness. i can only sense their weight. that is why my chest feels so heavy. so heavy, yet so empty.

a piercing sound keeps poking my ears. i cannot figure out what it is saying because it is loud enough in my head. the constant cacophony of my thoughts does not let any other voice in my ears. why don't you come and calm my thoughts with your lullabies?

i am blinded. all i see is thick blackness. i keep igniting myself in desperate efforts to feel the heat, to feel the light. but no flames rise. only ashes and smoke. yet, i am burning slowly, very slowly, in the hell of myself. i am losing myself in the woods of my own thoughts. i am sinking into the depths of my own tears. no, i don't want to lose myself. calm me, please. hold my hand and pull me out of this dark forest, out of this deep ocean. take the accusations of all the sins i have performed, take this blame from me.

no one has the patience to have a look at me, to clean the mess that i have created out of myself. because at the end of the day, it is my mistake. i am responsible for my mess. but you own a part too, a big part. so one day, putting a moment aside, come to my place. we will clean this mess together. you may choose whatever you want to keep. we will throw away everything else. but we will keep breaths and heartbeats so you can still remain in me. i don't need anything else now. i cannot bear this weight in my chest anymore. i want to feel light and empty. come soon.