Dear Diary|| Josh Franceschi #Wattys2017

8th of October (part two)

Dear diary,
Well yes I'm back.
I'm sure you want to know what happened and I want to clear the thoughts in my head before I see my family so I'll talk about it.

I lived in Surrey, specifically in Weybridge.
I was a calm girl, I had (and still have) no self esteem and I was very shy. Every moment was the best one for me to show my kindness to everyone, I started to make friend, at first I had a bunch of classmate who got along with me very well, but when we were out of school they acted like they didn't know me at all. They embarrassed me many times even if we were very young.
In the middle school I 'wore a mask', I started to pretend to be less shy (I made it with a lot of courage), to have self esteem and I was mean even if I felt bad for the others that I treated in a wrong way. I was known for my attitude, and more people started to admire me for being mean to others. I became popular, everyone wanted to be my friend and I was happy.
There was a guy that liked me, his name was Joshua. Yes, that Joshua. He was one year older than me, he had a sister, I didn't know her name back then 'cause she was older than us, she already attended high school, and a brother, Michael.
They lived near my graparents house.
Michael had the same age as me, he was the opposite of who I pretended to be: he was so kind with others, he helped everyone and guess what? Everyone treated him the same way my 'old friends' treated me, out of school they ignored him. They embarrassed him in front of me. And I laughed every time they did.

We never got along because he has always thought that I was popular for a bad reason, and I always secretly agreed with him, but I didn't want anyone to realize that. So I started making fun of him.
Everyday more and more.
At first I felt bad but then I saw that everyone supported to me so I started to think that it wasn't a bad thing.
his eyes became to be darker as months passed, but it seemed like I didn't care, I couldn't stop doing that because it became an habit of mine.
Absolutely a bad habit, but I didn't realize.
He never missed a lesson but after all those months of bullying he started to do it. No one cared, I enjoyed popularity but there was a person, the one that loved me for real, that became to look at me with hate in his eyes.
I didn't understand at first but then someone told me that Michael was in hospital. I didn't have the guts to visit him, even thought I knew he tried to kill himself and it was my fault.
He cutted himself and he was in a critical situation, I wanted to make sure that I could make him forgive me when he could've came back to school so I spent every night praying for him to get well soon. I started to think that he could've made it but he didn't.
He died.

And that was the time when I started to realize everything I did.
And also the time when my disorders started.
I went to visit him at the cemetery, I still remember the quote on his grave

"Words hurt more than knives"
10.11.91 -23.01.2002

his family was there, they all knew what happened...
I didn't have the guts to look them into their eyes, but I could feel their looks burning on me, especially Joshua's one.
He changed a lot you know? But his eyes are still the same as they were the last time I've seen him.
Those blue eyes filled with sadness.

I feel like a monster, I can't explain why I couldn't recognise this story.

I'll write soon, I hope.
Bye, Joleene.