Roast 16: Summer

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by dawseefam

by dawseefam

People are probably thinking, whats not to like about summer? Why are you roasting it? Summer is beautiful and hot, what the ms frizzle is your problem? Well, this book is based off my complaints in my life. Summer isn't perfect, so im about to roast it and make fun of it. And if i happen to ruin your summer, your welcome ;3.

1. The dangers of the pool
Now im sure your thinking, DAWSEEFAM the only danger is drowning or just drinking chlorine (though i prefer to drink bleach). Well, i dont know where you live but where i live, the pool gets crowded with small children yelling marco polo and all you want to do is just bask in the sun and get a tan while hanging out with your friends. Its not that easy where i am. Thankfully, im spending a week away from home for vacation at my own pool so i dont go to a public one, but then theres the beach. I go to the private less crowded part, but man. If you look across the beach in the distance you see loads of umbrellas and loads of people. I like kids, but when you go to the pool or the beach and its crowded, it becomes a battle ground of annoying kids whining and yelling at each other. The lifeguard looks like they are ready at any time to leave and fall asleep cause of how tiring the job is to ask children to STOP RUNNING AROUND THE POOL (i think i still run around tho lol). But then theres one part. The scariest part. You see in movies when kids are at a pool, and one of the kids have to go to the bathroom. Well, i was at the pool once by myself and my mom was just reading a magazine while sitting in a chair outside of the water. Im just standing in the water and this one kid near me yells to his mom:
"Mommy, I have to pee."
"Hold on honey, Mommy is talking to Mrs.(idk i forgot the lastname)."
"But I REALLY GOTTA GO"
And at that point i would assume Mom didnt hear him, cause i hear him slowly say "ahhh. All better" and the water starts to feel warm. At that moment i went to the edge of the pool, no stairs were nearby, and i just thought "NOPE" and i pulled myself out then ran and took a shower in the bathroom of the pool. It was DISGUSTING. Same with the ocean, your literally swimming in a wasteland of other peoples WASTE. Another thing about the ocean, but whenever I walk into the water, am i the only one who gets scared they will step on something that is either a fish or a crustation and somehow get stung or get pinched by a crab? I get nervous just walking cause i dont wanna step on something uncomfortable. Thats the downside about the ocean. Its beautiful, but the things inside of it probably dont like you.

2. Sunburn from attempting to tan
Yep, i dont have enough fingers to count how many times his has happened to me, my friends, and my family. You try to tan, and you get a sunburn (idk about you, but im irish and scottish which makes me really pale and if i tan i turn red, not orange or a normal tan color). You try to tan after applying sunscreen, you STILL get burned. And all you wanna do is just get your skin to a certain shade. Whats so complicated about it? Its almost impossible for pale people like me to tan. Its a pain and you get this pale from either never going outside or just hiding in the darkness of your room or basement (with me ive achieved maxium paleness from hiding and watching memes in my closet). But at least you arent at as much risk for types of cancer or sunburn, right? But to be honest, id rather spend my summer outside then hiding and watching memes.

And finally...

3. Phone problems
Summer can get fun. For me, the past summers have gotten TOO MUCH fun. For example: 1. Dancing around my pool and listening to frank sinatra, which led my phone to fall out of my pocket and into my pool. That was the end of communication in my summer, cause the water broke the wifi. 2. Getting stung by jellyfish. Worst. Feeling. Ever. Even worse than getting sunburned on my feet, which hurt cause i go biking using feet and walking using feet. This stinging happened cause i swam too far into the ocean and for some reason a dead jellyfish passed by and still had some sting left in it. So it floated onto my stomach and i felt this sensation as if someone had started cooking me on a grill (yes i know how it feels, i had a horrible baby sitter and when she wasnt looking i wanted to see how hot the grill was and i put my whole arm on the grill like an idiot. Great times at the hospital ;3). It hurt a LOT. Yeah, i realize that isnt a phone problem, but afterall, this whole roast is about summer problems. The other phone problem is when you have your phone outside to listen to music while in the pool, but it is really hot out. So then your phone stops playing the music and gives you a notification saying the phone needs to cool down before the weather fries it (thanks a lot apple).

Btw i know some of these roasts arent funny anymore, but its harder to come up with good jokes than you think. You dont want something awkward in your story ya know? Anyway, i hope you have a swell summer :)