This is me

2. Esme

Hi again.

I've been thinking about where to start. Where to start this journey of thoughts. Or words. I've always been quite fascinated by the fact that we can look at symbols on some type of surface, and make words out of the blue. Everything we read is something we've created in our head. We are intelligent like that.

Going off track. So, I came to the conclusion that I should start where a lot of things started. My first real friend.

They say that friendships over 7 years or so last forever. And to that, I can safely say no, no they don't. Because I broke up with my best friend after 11 years of a somewhat dedicated friendship.

Her name was similar to mine, but we'll call her Esme, her eyebrows similar to my black ones, her light hair similar to my blond and her green eyes similar to my dark green eyes. We looked a lot alike. We seemed a lot alike on the surface. But in the end maybe we were just way too different from each other.

Let's start from the beginning.

I went to a nursery place when I was 1 year old and that's where I met her. We grew up together and made it to school together. We were best friends, and because the city council thought that best friends should stay together, I got into the same school as her, even though my district belonged to another school.

Now we had been friends for 4 years and everything seemed great. I loved her so much, like a sister.

Then, the first disconnection began to rise. Another girl from our class, let's call her Claudia, she started to hang out with Esme.

Way too much for my liking.

I started to hang out with some other people from the class, and everything seemed fine on the outside, but on the inside, I was devastated. I felt like my sister was being ripped from me by someone not worthy of her.

Though, my luck started to come around when our class was remade and Claudia was put into another class. Me and Esme started to hang out together again like nothing ever happened.

A couple years went by and then something happened that changed everything. If this hadn't happened, I think I would've been in a totally different situation right now, so different that I dare to say I would've been another person.

Esme's mother and father got divorced.

Why did this mean so much you ask?

Not soon after, Esme's mother moved in with a man named Darwin. He was a nice man, I really liked him and was glad that my sister's "new father" was a great person.

"New father?", you think. Esme's real dad was in a fucked situation. Because of money and other stuff he had become stressed. You would always find him laying on his couch never leaving his apartment.

I really believe that a part of the reason why Esme's mother left him, was because of his handicap. And for that, I never really liked her after. She tossed him like a used peace of clothing.

She didn't like how his situation was, and instead of helping and comforting him, she totally abandoned Esme's father.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

Anyway, Esme moved in with Darwin and her mother. And his dog.

Okay so, remember I was a scared 8-12 year old at this time.

I was scared of dogs. It bothers me to say and even write, because I hate to feel weak. But i was. And because of this, I never really visited Esme anymore. I did visit her the few times she stayed with her father, but it wasn't often since he was so weak. Therefore it was Esme that visited my house. And at some point, I guess she got tired of this.

Something that really bothers me is that I fought with this fear so much, I went to 3 different psychologists to spent time with her. But of course this didn't mean much to her. She still gave up on me.

Now we were in fifth grade and I was 11. We had gathered ourselves a friend group consisting of me, Esme, Paige, Solita and Mara.

Solita and Mara were kind of on and off, but Esme, Paige and me were a threesome. Except it wouldn't mean much if I disappeared.

I remember quite a lot of times where I got into a fight with Esme, and Paige would automatically side with her, which annoyed the hell out of me. Then, I would hang out with Solita and another girl named Celeste, until I finally said sorry because none of them would ever, since Paige didn't care about me when it came down to it, and Esme was too stubborn to ever apologize. Or maybe she didn't care either.

Why didn't I hang out with Mara you ask? Well we don't/didn't have the best relationship.

Anyway, as you may have figured out, Paige and Esme started to become best friends, and it hurt me. When someone asked Esme who her best friend was, she would always answer everyone in our little friend group. And specifically this pissed me off. Because I had been her loyal friend for 10 years and it didn't mean more than for example a one year old relationship with Paige, that would never stand up to her. What kind of friendship is that anyway?

Well, move forward one year and she left our school. I overheard that she was switching schools, at her house after a sleepover, which had taken a lot of courage to do by the way, so the bitch didn't even have the courage to tell me face to face that she was leaving school.

I had to hear it from her mother telling my mother for god's sake.

Needless to say, we started to fade away from each other since we never really saw each other anymore. And it hurt. So much.

Like It physically hurt. And the itch in my heart starts whether I think about it. Cause i really loved her.

This might be hard to understand considering everything you've read about her. But I haven't mentioned all the good things in this chapter. I haven't mentioned all the fantastic experiences with her, and while I'm typing this I am crying, thinking about the time we went to Italy together, the time we had a manicure together, all the times we laughed together. When we had fun, it was the moment my life had led up to. But in the end it didn't stop her from dumping me on a text message.

So that's how our story was and ended. Of course I don't know what is to happen in the future, but I won't accept her back into my life after what she did to me anyway. She was a great friend in some ways, but she also hurt me more than anyone has ever before. Sometimes I would go to school, and she would be giving me the cold shoulder for nothing.

But despite all of this, I still loved her so much. And she just tossed me like a used pair of socks.

And I think that, that shaped the way every relationship in my life has evolved since then.