This is me

5. Forever

They always taught you about pressure from other people. About how to cope with peer pressure. They never taught you how to deal with pressure from yourself.

I'm scared. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna be old.

I feel like time is going so fucking fast and I can't keep up.

When I was a kid I watched all these tv shows about teenagers. Hannah Montana, The suite life on deck, Wizards of Waverly place. And I thought to myself;

Man, I can't wait until I'm teenager. I'll go to parties, have a boyfriend, have my life just like them.

I'm 15, and I know that in many peoples eyes that is young. And it is. But I feel like im falling behind.

I haven't had sex, I haven't had a boyfriend, I'm not that popular.

I know those things aren't what life is about, but I feel like I'm failing life anyways.

And im starting to release this isn't time i'll have again. I won't be 15 forever. I won't have forever to do these things. I won't have forever to be teenager.

So what is stopping me?

Me.

Today I was invited to a party at an older guys house.

The host invited me himself.

I wanted to go. Not because I was excited to have fun and such, but because I am young and I won't be forever.

I wanted to go, make out with a couple of guys, hell I wanted to give my first handjob.

It's ridiculous, but also, it isn't.

Because i AM right. Time IS flying.

And it saddens me. Time has always been slow. I have always felt like I had all the time in the world. All the time in the world to give handjobs and have boyfriends and to be young.

But now where im actually at that age, I just... can't.

So yeah, I didn't go.

Instead I stayed home and watched The Vampire Diaries which made me feel even more pathetic.

Oh how I wish I was immortal.

I wouldn't have to fight time. I wouldn't feel pressured by myself to do all these things. I wouldn't be stressed.

I'd be forever young and beautiful.