This is me

10. Jason

There is this guy in my class.

He isn't anything special on the outside. Some would even call him ugly. Some would even call him a weirdo.

He has boring brown hair, boring blue eyes and is a bit over middle weight. Not that he looks fat, no, it fits him. At least I think so.

Fuck.

I want him.

I want him so much it actually hurts.

I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe I'm just too horny. Maybe I'm just desperately trying to find love.

I remember the first thing I told him when I met him, was that he looked like Michael from 5 seconds of summer.

Whom I really liked at the time.

Then we really didn't speak much together until like a month ago.

We sat together in math by coincidence. The teacher made us do an assignment.

I asked him a question, and he answered so cocky. Something like:

"Jason, what have you done in question 2?"
"Only smart people will know"

I don't remember exactly what he and I said to each other, but it quickly became a game of teasing each other.

This ongoing teasing where we're both trying to prove we're better than the other.

Some people would probably not understand, why I like that about him.

He's fun. He doesn't take things too seriously. I like that. I need that.

He isn't afraid to push my buttons.

My friend Mary told me after the class, that some of the girls had been saying stuff like:
"Looks like there is gonna be some incest tonight."(There was a party that night.)

For those of you that don't get it, "incest" is what we call hooking up with someone from your class.

Anyway, it's because he makes me smile. He makes me smile so much. His teasing and the cocky smile on his lips, I can't resist.

He actually makes me smile so much, that it's embarrassing. So much that I try to force my smile away sometimes. He doesn't even have to say anything.

I'm in love with him.

I know that now.

And it's not a good thing. I mean it's good I know I can fall in love, and it's good because it makes life more exciting.

But it's bad anyway.

He's in my class first of all. And he doesn't look good.

I can't have my repetition ruined. Not that he's exactly unpopular, but he's different.

Many people don't get his humor. But I do.

The memes, the references to things on the internet. I get it all. I got my first computer when I was 6.

I think we have so much in common.

I know this because I've stalked him.

How I did this was easy. I just saw him on steam in class one day, and got home and searched for him. Turns out his username was his lastname.

Then I obv checked his account out. He plays csgo.

Like I do.

And he is really good at it. He is a global elite. Only 0.7% of all counter strikes players have that rank, and some are professionals that play the game for a living.

He even makes money from it.

I looked up his past usernames, and decided to search for them on google. I found his secret youtube account.

His profile picture is an anime girl.

Now, some of you are probably cringing, like I did a bit, but I'm, believe it or not, not a very judging person to the people I like.

My friend, let's call him Noah, literally told me yesterday how he was going to shoot up the school if he ever got depression. He wouldn't ever do that though. He cares too much and is pretty popular. So don't worry. And he said it was just something he thought about while going home. And honestly, don't we all wonder sometimes?

But I do admit, who tf says that aloud?

The point is, I don't judge Noah for saying such a weird thing. I get him. Like, i've thought about that too. But he should not tell people stuff like that. They might get the wrong idea.

Anyway, the anime girl.

Honestly, I think it is a good thing. He most likely is a bit kinky, and I like that.

Gabriel would probably never do anything else than vanilla. I wouldn't like that in the long run. I need excitement.

I love the thrill I get when talking with Jason. He won't make things easy for you. I need the spice. It makes me want to just lose all inhibitors, and do whatever I want and just let go. He is the type of guy I could do that with.

Jason, as i've chosen to call him, is probably not a judging person either, considering his interests.

And that's something I really need. I don't think I could ever be my true self with Gabriel. There are two sides of me, and I will only ever be able to show both sides to a guy like Jason.

A person like me.