Cruel Laughter [Sequel To "Because He Lived."]

{Chapter 13} Haunted

Warning: mentions of rape.

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"Jackson, uh, he... r-raped me." The tears fell from my eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Alexander stood there frozen, taking in the words I said to him. His hands clenched into fists, and he gripped his shirt to try and calm himself. "W-what? Oh, my Irene James, there's no need to be sorry... none of it's your fault." He gathered me in his arms again, holding me tight. I flinched, unable to stop myself.

Shaking my head I responded, "I got you in trouble... for that I'm sorry. Your fathers trusted you, and if I hadn't returned, you would have gotten punished."

"No, James, shhh. Please, don't worry about any of that. None of it is your fault," he assured me, pressing my head into the crook of his neck.

We sat like that for a long time, neither of us saying anything. I grew accustomed to him again, and the physical contact didn't make my flinch. I took in his scent and snuggled closer to him when I could. My heart seemed to beat faster, and I could barely think straight. But I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was it because of what just had happened, maybe it was something else.

I listened to Alexanders heart beat too. His was beating just as fast as mine, and our heartbeats seemed to sync together. His presence made me calm down.

After sitting there for a while, Alexander shifted his weight to his other foot and breathed out a sigh. "Do... do you want to talk about what happened at all? Or is it too soon?"

I moved my head away from his chest and nodded my head a little. "I can talk about some of it... I don't think that I can-um-really go into detail and everything..." I trailed off, my mind wandering to what Jackson did to me a few hours ago. Tears formed at the edge of my eyes, threatening to fall.

"Okay... we're going to go sit down... feel free to stop whenever you want. I don't want you to have to do anything you don't like." Alexander pulled away from the hug and gently grabbed my hand, leading me over to his couch. He sat down and then motioned for me to sit down next to him. I did. He nodded his head, waiting for me to start.

I took a deep breath and then started to explain. "Uh... well, right after you left... Jackson and a few of his friends came up to me, and he uh... Jackson pinned m-me to the w-wall. H-he kept pushing himself onto me... and then he-uh-he said he wanted to take me somewhere else. I tried to stop him! I tried! But he-he was t-too strong." I started to stammer, the bad memories starting then.

Alexander took my hand in his and pressed our foreheads together, gazing into my eyes. "You don't have to go on if you don't want to..."

I shook my head, "I-I need to do this." He nodded, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

"After that, he brought me to this-this uh, house? It looked abandoned. He brought me to this-uh-room... and then... he uh, pushed me onto the bed... I know what he was doing s-somewhere around there. He-he, um, he... after that he..." I wiped the tears away that started to fall as Alexander gave my hand another squeeze. I continued on after that. "A-after that he, um, y'know... I-I can't really go into d-detail about that... but after that was over, he told me I-I was free to go but that he would do so-something else. I-I don't really understand that..."

Alexander took my face in his hands and wiped some of the tears away. I flinched at the contact, but quickly composed myself.. "It's okay... you're safe now, you're here with me now. I can't make this all go away, but I'll try and make you not think about it. Okay, James? I'm here if you need me."

I nodded, pulling away from him and burying my head in his chest again. He chuckled, and wrapped his arms around me again. As we sat there, I heard him whisper, "I'm so sorry, James."

~

I was alone now. Alexander went to go tell Garroth about what happened and why I wasn't there. I told him it was okay, thing would be cleared up better if Garroth knew the truth. After another quick hug, he was gone.

I made my way over to the mirror in Alexanders room, and peeled off my coat and shirt, examining my wounds even more. There were a few scratches on my shoulders I didn't notice before, along with some bruises along my stomach. Just looking at the scars and all of the bruises made me want to throw up. And to think this only happened a few hours ago. 

Taking a look down at my shirt, I sighed. It was covered in dried blood from the cuts, and there was no way I could put it back on and pass it off as normal--or even clean it. I glanced down at my pants and shrugged, other than a few wrinkles they seemed fine, but I would have to check them again later. I made my way over to Alexanders dresser, hoping he wouldn't mind me borrowing a shirt and pair of pants from him. He was a little taller than me--not by much--so the size wouldn't really be a problem. I pulled a green long-sleeved shirt out of his drawer, and a pair of brown pants. 

I decided it would be a good decision to clean myself up a little more before, so I made my way into the washroom. Peeling off my pants, I tossed them to the side. I wet a cloth I found with water and did my best--which wasn't the greatest--to clean myself off. I scrubbed at myself, trying to rid myself of any filth, making my skin turn red. My breathing quickened, memories from earlier flooding back to me. My heart pounded against my chest, and I collapsed to the floor, trying my best to stop thinking about it.

Still, Jackson's voice rang in my ears like a bell: I'm going to break the very thing that makes you, you. 

I wanted to scream, to punch something, to hurt something, but I couldn't. My limbs felt heavy, and the only thing I could do was cry. I hated Jackson, I hated him more than words could describe. I was furious that he did this, I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve him to hurt me like this. But still, in the back of my mind, something told me that I deserved it. Every single part of it. I deserved what came my way because I'm a freak. A mistake. The voices in my head rang out even stronger now, repeating those same words. Promising to hurt me, to hurt someone. Why did I have to be like this? Why was I infected with an illness that had no cure? Why... me? 

The tears continued to fall, staining my face, splashing onto the floor, blurring my vision. I pulled at my hair trying to distract myself from the voices. Nothing was working. Nothing. Jackson's voice still rung out. I'm going to break you.  Mistake. Freak. 

My mind traveled to Alexander. Why was he still my friend? Why did he care about me so much, if all I've ever done was hurt him--hurt everyone? Maybe it's because he feels sorry, or he was forced to do it. Though part of me wants to believe he does it because he actually cares about me, and actually wanted me to be safe. But out of all the likely scenarios in my head, that one was the last. No one would really care about someone like me. No one could. 

The negative thoughts wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop them myself, and no one was there to stop them. I curled up in a ball, feeling the coolness of the tile beneath my body. The tears stopped now, but the pain was still there. My hand grazed one of the bruises on my neck and I flinched, memories of how I got them flooding back once more. 

What Jackson did to me would never go away. What I did to myself would never go away. What I did to everyone else would never go away. I'll be haunted by these memories forever, and I"ll never be free from my insanity. No matter how hard I tried.