something they can never take away ≠ lams

-Thoughts-

Trigger Warning: Self Harm

stay safe my babies and please don't hurt yourself :)
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John woke up first this time to the sound of the howling wind outside his window. He looked out. Seems like the weather is pretty bad today. The sky is mostly covered by boring, grey clouds and there's a slight drizzle coming down.

John looked down at Alex. Gosh he is fucking gorgeous, thought John. Alex's hair was still in a bun. A very messy one. It was practically falling out and there were large baby hairs sticking out now. But that was okay. John loved it. He loved every single little thing about Alexander. The way his small frame would always be hunched in front of a laptop, as he furiously types, or the way his smile made others laugh and giggle. And even the way he would sometimes zone out and daydream. John adored it.

John stood up and made his way into the kitchen to prepare two coffees. Both Alex and John had classes today but none together

Once the coffees were ready, Alexander strolled into the kitchen, looking a mess. He walked up to John and gave him a slight peck on the lips.

"Good morning" said John.

"Hi" Alex replied and sat on the counter, feet hanging off the edge.

"Watcha wanna do today?" Alex asked.

"We both have classes, baby" John replied.

"Oh yeah" frowned Alex.

John walked up to Alex and gave him a little kiss on the cheek.

"It's alright, don't be upset. We'll do something afterwards, right?"

"Yeah"

And with that John said goodbye and went to his first class, leaving Alexander with his uneasy thoughts.

Alex had always underestimated himself. He has always thought he was revolting. Disgusting. Ugly. Unloved. But John made him feel the opposite. And although he did, that slight sense of disgust and disappointment was still there. Maybe that's why everyone who has loved him has died. Maybe they didn't even love him. Maybe they only died so that they don't get to see Alexander's monstrous face again.

Alexander hasn't hurt himself in a long time. Ever since Alex moved in with Peter, his cousin talked him out of it. Most of the time anyways. Sometimes, Alex would have to secretly sneak a blade or two into the bathroom and lock himself in there. It felt better than anything in the world in these moments. It felt like a drug. He felt high and addicted when he cut himself.

And it was that feeling of nostalgia that took over him every single time. Like the moment when him and his brother tried to catch precious butterflies with their hands in the Caribbean Summer, or that time when he would always make a disgusted face when his mother placed porridge in front of him for breakfast. And even that point when his father taught him to tie his shoe laces.

Those faded memories started to become more clear. The nostalgia was coming back. And it wasn't nostalgia for Alex without cutting.

He walked up the drawer and searched through it to find a blade. He had thrown most of them out, except one. You know, for emergencies. He sat on the floor. Blade in hand. He rolled up his sleeve and examined the gross cuts and grazes that covered his wrist. There were lots of cuts. Maybe a good 40 on each arm. Alexander thought for a minute. Why was he doing this? He seemed like the most perfect boy. He had amazing grades, beautiful boyfriend, great friends. But something was missing. Was it his family? Or was it Nevis? Was he homesick? Probably not. Theres nothing to feel homesick for. Nevis was still destroyed, no one made the effort to re-build it again.

He lifted up his hand and placed the blade gently on his wrist.

"Come on Alex, you wimp" he whispered to himself.

One cut. Two cuts. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seve-

The door handle shook. John was home. But Alex was too busy to notice. Alex had no idea how long he had been thinking for. It obviously had been a while as John just got home.

Alex's salty tears dropped onto his fresh cuts, making it sting. He whined.

"Alex?" John shouted from the corridor.

"Babygirl?" He called out again.

John received no response so decided to go into his and Alex's room. He stopped at the door frame. John couldn't believe his eyes.

"A-Alex?" John whispered.

He slowly walked over to Alexander and immediately embraced him with a hug.

"Oh baby..." He whispered softly in his ear, rubbing circles on Alex's back and petting his hair.

"Alex, dear. W-why?" He said with a voice crack at the end as he started to sob.

"I'm sorry"

"You should have told me"

"Sorry" Alex whispered, letting go of John and nervously fiddling with his fingers that were covered in crimson-red blood.

John stood up and quickly went over to the bathroom to grab some bandages. He sat infront of Alex and gently started to wrap Alex's wrist in bandages. Alex groaned from the pain.

When John was finished he kissed both of Alexander's wrist.

"Don't ever do that again" he orders.

"I won't"

"You promise?"

"I promise" Alex said with his fingers crossed behind his back.

He hugged Alex once more, but for longer this time.

"M'sorry" Alexander whispered.

"Don't be"

"I love you" John said.

"I love you, too"

Yo guess what? I came 1st in lomg jump for athletics finals for sports day!, hope you also had great news or achievements. If you havent, im sure something great will happen soon. Love you, love yourself, love your neighbour. (Jesus fuck i sound like lin)