Homophobia

Chapter 3

Weeks go by.

My feelings don't change. They only get stronger. I watch Dan come and go, everday at school. The new school year has began and I just don't feel good. I feel like I can't be myself. And it's the truth. I am scared of telling people. I am scared to "come out". I wish I didn't have to come out. I wish I could just tell people, 'Yeah, you see him? Yeah him, he's the man I am in love with.' But that is never going to happen. How am I going to find love when I can't even love myself? I am scared of loving myself. I don't feel like this is normal. They always say being gay is a sin, and it feels like a sin. It feels terrible.

'Hey, Chad, you okay?' Anna asks behind me. I turn around to face her. She says she's over me, and I think she is. She's been acting normal the lest few weeks to me and I honestly think we could have a great friendship in the future. It's growing.

'Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking.' My excuse to everything is either 'just thinking' or 'no, just tired'. Isn't that everyones most common excuse? I think so. 

'I don't believe you,' she says and I sigh.

'Just leave it Anna, it's not important.' I say that because I don't want her to worry. And why would my problems be important? It's not like somebody cares.

'I may not like you anymore, but I still care about you.' Maybe someone does care. Maybe I was wrong. I am still not going to tell her though.

'Just tell me what's up with you. What could be so wrong or serious?' she says and I shrug. She just has to find out. I don't think I can say it. I don't think I can get the words out of my mouth.

'You know when you kissed me and I said I had a crush on someone else?' I say and she nods. It's not awkward to talk about it anymore. Not for me at least. I have other things to worry about.

'Well...' 'That someone is a boy?' she finishes my scentence and I nod emotionless.

'Chad, I conjectured something like that. Am I the first you told it to?' she asks and I nod again. Not able to speak. She's going to hate me and tell everyone else and ruin my whole life. I probably need to move to Russia and call myself Vladimir. Just kidding, like I am going to do that. Nothing against Russia, but I one, don't speak the language, and two, I don't want to move. I like it here. 

'Hey Chad, calm down. You look like you're frozen or something.' She puts a hand on my shoulder and I lean into it. It makes me feel safe, only if it is for a moment.

'Thank you for telling me Chad.' I feel a little bit more free. I feel like she accepts me. She's a really good girl. Nice and loveable.

'I-I... you're welcome..' I mumble and she hugs me. I hug her back and close my eyes. This was the hardest thing ever, but I did it! Kind of... but still. She now knows and she doesn't hate me! I could just hug ger forever.

'Should I tell the rest?' she says and I quickly answer.

'No! I mean, no, thanks. I want to tell myself. But thanks for accepting me, it means a lot. I don't even accept it myself you know,' I say and she kisses my cheek. Her lips don't make me feel anything, but it's a good sign. Again.

'Why wouldn't I? You didn't choose for it right?' she says and I nod. I really didn't choose for this to happen. I wish I could be straight and fancy a girl. But I can't. I tried. With my last girlfriend. Of course I've had girlfriends. But it didn't work out. I didn't really like her. She never knew the real reason. But she's moved to Canada, so I don't have to worry about her anymore.

'It's okay Chad, it really is. Everyone is going to be fine with it. So tell me... who is this guy you like?' 

I mumble it so soft she doesn't hear me.

'Sorry, what did you say? Please a little bit louder?' she asks and she half smiles.

'It's Dan, okay? Freaking one of my best friends, Daniel,' I call him by his full name. I don't know why though.

'Oh so that's his full name!' Didn't she know? Wait no one knew except me. But it is pretty logical.

'Haha, who cares anyway. But Anna! I like my freaking best friend!' I say and she shrugs. How can she be so cool about this?

'You know I have always been the one people tell their secrets to and you know what?' She says and I am curious now.

'I know what?' I ask and I smile at the thought of Dan. Just him. Nothing else. Only his smile already makes my day. He's the most beautiful guy I have ever met and he's funny. Yes not as funny as Jason, but I am more of sarcastic humor. And Dan always has more the kind of black humor.

'Hey hello! Did you even listen to me Chad?' I hear Anna somewhere in my mind and she snaps her fingers in front of me. I blink and return to the real world.

'Sorry, what?' I ask and she giggles. Well very funny isn't it?

'I said... you might have a chance with Dan.' She turns around and walks away, leaving me in confusion. Why do girls always have to be so vaguely?

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