Homophobia

Chapter 4

I trust Anna. I believe she won't tell the others. At least I hope she doesn't. But I am still worried. Of course I am worried. How can I not be worried?

I have mixed feelings. I feel sad and scared. I feel alone and I also feel happy. Sad because I feel alone. I have no one except Anna. Scared because I don't know these feelings. This is something I have been fighting against almost whole my life and now I am finally trying to accept myself.

Happy. I feel happy because.. well wouldn't you feel happy when you like someone? It gives a warm feeling inside. A bit cozy and cuddly. But the thought of cuddling makes me sad because I know I will never get to cuddle him. He even said a few weeks ago that he has a crush on this girl called Chalice! I almost lost it in front of everyone. But I held it inside and when I got home I went straight to my room. I didn't cry, but well.. I felt my eyes burning.

I just hope this girl Chalice gives him what he deserves and that she makes him happy. If he wants her I am not going to stop him. I will be wingman if I need to. Why am I thinking like this again?

Someone taps me on my shoulder and I turn around. It's Naomi and Jason's with her. I smile at them, being sad inside. Naomi doesn't notice. She's to busy staring at Jason. I don't know what she sees in him, but she really likes him. Maybe even loves him? I don't know. Probably. The way they look at each other. I wish I could have that one day. Maybe I have a future? I don't know. Maybe I will be alone forever. It feels like it. 

'Naomi? What's up?' I ask her and she snaps her head up to me.

'Oh, I wanted to ask you about what you were talking about to Anna,' she says and I sniff. I know it's not nice to do that, but does she need to know everything that is going on in my life? 

I feel immediatly bad for thinking that. She's just concerned about me. 

'Oh, it was nothing. Just some problems Anna and I had to talk about.' I tell her the truth. This is a problem. Why is it me that needs to be freaking gay? Why not someone else or why can't I just be straight? I could be with Anna and love her and treat her right. Not hurt her and lie to her. I told her the truth, but I am still lying to Naomi and everyone else. Including my parents. I think they'll support me. They've always said that they would love me whatever I choose to be.

'What kind of problems?' 'Problems about ourselves.' It comes out before I can stop it. I cross my arms and sit down. I really feel weak and vulnerable. Like Naomi is going to cut me with a knife or something. 

Jason just stands here, looking back and forth between Naomi and me, not understanding what's going on. 

'Is something up Chad?' she asks and I shake my head. Though I don't want to lie to her, I am not ready yet to tell her. I don't know how she will react. She could either hug me and tell me it's alright. Or she could have this disgusting look on her face and turn around and walk away without saying a word. I don't know. I really hope the first one though.

'Trust me Chad, I know you to long for knowing everything is fine. You have this look in your eyes. But you are afraid of my reaction, and maybe Jasons too. I don't know Chad, but since when aren't we friends anymore?' 

'We are friends,' I mumble and I look at the table. 

What weird is, that I don't feel any different. Even though I can label myself by calling myself "gay" I still feel like the old Chad who likes to play video games and loves to hang out with my guy friends. I don't fancy them, only one. I don't even look at them. I don't check them out. That's creepy. Why would I do that? I don't even find my friends interesting as a love interest. Only one, again. But being gay obvious doesn't change anything about me. And I'd like to keep it that way. I am not the one for shopping and the gossip. I don't mind if there are guys who like that, everyone is different, but I just like being me. Being me is good enough for me and it should be good enough for the world.

'Tell me Chad, what is it? This is something that has been bothering you for a long time and you haven't told it to someone... no wait! You told it to Anna today!' she says and I am impressed.

'You should be a detective or something Naomi,' I say and she laughs. 

'Maybe yeah, but don't distract me!' I don't laugh anymore. I guess I really have to tell her. But I don't want to tell her. I am scared to tell her. I don't know what to say. How do I say it? Does it bother me that Jason is here too? Not at all actually. He's my best friend and I want to tell him. I don't mind telling anyone to be honest. Only Naomi. Maybe because she's one of the most important people in this world and I am terrified of loosing her. 

'Chad, please tell us, you can trust us, we won't judge you,' Jason says and I think he knows what I want to say. Naomi still doesn't get it. She's oblivious to my situation. But I think Jason knew all along. He has mentioned it a long time ago. Not directly, but he said something like: 'We are best friends and you know you can trust me, right?' Something like that. He's a good guy. He really is.

'I-I... Naomi... I am gay....' 

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