Homophobia

Chapter 8

So this is like the moment I have been scared for so long.

Dinner. With my parents. But this is going to be such a different dinner for them. I am finally ready to tell it to them. That I am gay. Let's wait for a few more weeks with the boyfriend thing. One thing at the time right?

'Dinner's ready!' my mum calls and I take a deep breath for going downstairs. I am not sweating. Not yet.

'What are we eating today mum?' I ask and she turns around to hand me some plates. I put them on the table and wait for her answer.

'Home made pizza!' she says and I laugh at the way she says it. Pizza's nice. Pizza's very nice actually. Very normal and such.

When we're all settled I grab a piece of the pizza and put it on my plate. It feels so normal around my parents. I hope that they will be okay with me being gay. Not that I choose for this to happen actually, but whatever.

'So... Chad. How've things been. You know, at school and with your friends,' my mother asks and I shrug.

'Okay, I guess. School is almost over ya know? I think I am doing well. My friends are good too.' I smile at them and take a bite of my pizza.

'Are you still hanging out with that girl... Naomi?' my dad asks and I know what he means.

'Dad, Naomi and I are just friends. She's a boyfriend, Jason actually.' My dad looks a bit confused and I sigh.

'Jason's one of my best friends dad.'

'Oh! Now I remember!' he says and I chuckle. But I am a bit disappointed in my dad. He's never been in my life the way I wanted. He just always works.

'But there was this one uhh girl at school, and she was walking hand in hand with another girl, and well, I don't know what to think of it,' I begin. It's a complete lie. I never saw a girl walking hand in hand with another girl. And even if a girl did that, I'd know what to think of it.

'Well son, you should ignore them. As long as they don't bother you, don't let yourself get bothered,' my dad says and I blink in surprise. I expected him to curse and say they are a sin. I look at my mother but she has a stiff face.

'What's it mother?' I ask and I am afraid of what she might say.

'Nothing it's just... it's not normal. Walking hand in hand with someone from the same gender. I don't know, it's probably a phase those girls have. Stay away form them Chad,' she says and my heart drops. That makes me very sad. That she thinks that way about it. I try to not show it but I don't succeed completely I think. I see the look on my dads face and I think he's figured it out.

'Is there something you want to tell us, Chad?' he begins and I sigh. Then I shake my head.

'Was the story about the girls based on your... story?' he says and I snap up. Though I don''t say anything.

'I think he means that he's... he's... gay,' my dad says and I feel a heat behind my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of my parents. I hear my mother gasping and I let my head hang.

'Chad, look at me and say he's joking,' my mother says and I look her in the eyes. She looks back with a face I have never seen before. Maybe abhorrence?

'Mother... he's... dad is not joking. He is right. I am gay. I am a fag, okay? And I hate myself for it. I do. But I can't help it. I never had a choice. If I could be straight, I would be. If there had been a choice, I wouldn't have chosen for this. Please, don't hate me.' I feel the tears standing in my eyes.

'I-I don't know Chad... I am worried you choose wrong.' Now I get angry.

'Mother! It. Was. Never. A. Choice,' I say with my teeth firm-set.

'I don't want to speak to you for now Chad,' she says and I feel my heart break. I got the boy, I got my dad, I got my friends, but not my mother. The one person I was counting on. I need her, and now she won't be there.

She stands up and puts her plate in the dishwasher. Then she walks out of the kitchen and I hear her walking upstairs. I look at my dad, and he gives me a compassionate look.

'She'll come around son. Give her time. You okay?' he asks and I shrug.

'Except for my mother breakin' my heart, yeah, I am,' I stand up and leave the kitchen without a word. I need some time to think this through. I need to speak to Dan and just... I don't even know anymore. The world is not the same anymore. Why do I need to be different again? I don't want this shit!

I never chose this.

*.*.*.*.

Remember this can occur in many situations. This is just what I had in mind.

-Jenna, xx