Homophobia

Chapter 5

There, I have said it. It's out. I am done. My fucking life is done. Screwed up. Fucked up. Everything you can imagine. Maybe not my whole life, just a part.

Jason sends me an excouraging smile and I know he has my back. He'll always be my best buddy. I am so glad he is my friend.

Naomi's face doesn't seem all to good. She doesn't looks angry or disgusted. Just very shocked. It almost makes me laugh. But no, not today. Would it have been about something else, it would've been okay. 

'C-Chad... how... how could you do this?' she asks and I am confused by her question. How could I do what?

'What do you mean Naomi?' I ask and she lets out a sarcastic laugh. I am getting scared.

'Turning gay. Why? Why did you do that? You could've had everything! A child, a marriage, a good future! And now you just threw it all away because you wanted to be special?' I get it now. She isn't right though. 

'Naomi... I, I didn't choose to prefer the same gender over the other. I never wanted all of this! But you don't choose to be straight either, did you? I didn't "turn" gay. I have always been and always will be a fucking queer.' I feel a sting in my chest. It hurts saying that word. I hate that it exists. I hate people can use it against me. I just fucking hate all of this!

'I don't believe you! Maybe you should take medicins!' 'Nao-' Jason tries to calm her down but she cuts him off. 'Not a word Jason! I don't want to hear how I am being unsupportive! I don't! I am being concerned about him and his future! You'll get bullied for this! Did you really choose for this life Chad? Really?' I feel my eyes burning. But no, I don't want to cry in front of her.

'I can't heal from this Naomi. I have tried everything. I have had girlfriends, I have kissed girls, I have tried to stare at their boobs and asses, but it didn't work! I am just not attrected to them! And maybe I won't get bullied! And if I will get bullied, who cares? Not me, so why would you? I am strong, stronger than you know. I have been throug a lot of bullshit Naomi. And you are supposed to support me and backing me up. Not freaking hating on me for something I have no freaking control over!' I am almost screaming now. Jason walks up to me and stands beside me.

'Naomi, please, leave it! Even if it's a choice, it's his choice right? Please go back to being your funny and lovely self. Everyone likes that version better. Not the bitchy and screamy version. It scares people. And if you don't back him up, I will. I am his friend and friends are there for each other. They need each other. And remember how he set us up? Thanks to him we are in a relationship. So don't push him away! Bet there and be normal. He hasn't changed! His face hasn't changed a bit! He is still the grumpy, old, lazy Chad he always was.' I hit Jason on his shoulder but I smile at him. Thanking him with that. 

'Right... right. Please Chad, forgive me,' she says and I nod. 

'Of course. If you need time, take your time. If you want space I'll give you space. But please don't leave me. I need you Naomi. You are my best friend and without you I would be nowhere.' She awe's and hugs me. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. 

I don't think everything will be fine. But I at least have two people less to tell. And I just hope everything will be okay in the end. Maybe this life is after all a kind of fairy-tale. All the shitty things happen in the beginning, but it is getting better when you come closer to the end. Maybe after all there is a happy end for everyone. How awful your life may be, always keep your head up.

Keep your head high, and your middlefinger higher. Fuck all of them and continue with your life. They're not worth it. They don't deserve your attention. You are better than them. You always have to put yourself first. Your life is more important than that of others. Only if you can care enough for your life, you can care enough for someone else's life. There always has to come respect for each other from both sides. It sounds so cliché, but it is true. 

No life isn't fair. It never has been. But life is life and you are the one to make it good or bad. Every choice bears a consequence. No one always makes the right choices, but the choices you make define you as a person and that is good. There is no better version of yourself than you. You are the best you can be and the best people can get. And if they don't appreciate it, than screw them. 

Always be yourself. Never be someone else, nor change for someone. If they want you to change they don't like you as you are. They want to change you into something that you are not.

Always be yourself. Always.

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