Disney Got It Wrong

How To Love

"How To Love"—Posted by Belle Tynan to Mom Said A No-No 

No, I'm not swagger jackin' Lil Wayne here. It's a legit question I'm sure all of us military widows(ers)—or widows(ers) in general—have asked ourselves. How do you love again?

I mean, if you think about it from our point of view, our relationships didn't end. We didn't fight and argue and fall out of love. We didn't one day realize that our relationships were speeding down a dead end road and call it quits. Our relationships, our lives, were interrupted. Cut short. Stolen from us. One moment we're sitting at home waiting for our spouse to come home, the next we get that knock on our door or that phone call that one vital half of the whole we've become is gone.

So, how do we deal with that? How do we love again?

How do you just turn off the love that carried you through so many tough times? How do you deal with that deep rooted feeling of something of yourself missing and dismiss the feeling that you're betraying the one you lost by letting another in? And how do you stop yourself comparing anyone new to the one you lost?

There are those who get a little warning. Sometimes the process is drawn out as with a fatal diagnosis. There are those who get enough time with the one they love to fulfill some of their well laid plans and can take that with them to carry them through. There are those who get the opportunity to say their goodbyes and make peace with the loss, but what about those who get so much less than that? What about those who lose it when it's still so new and exciting and promising? What about those who don't get to say goodbye and have to try to flip the switch to the 'OFF' position just to try to manage one day after another?

A shrink would probably tell you to slow down and process. Take the time to feel what you're feeling. Be grateful for all the good times and appreciate the rough times for the strength they afforded you as a couple. Look at your children if you have them and let them remind you of the love and happiness you shared and let that carry you through when times get tough. But put it behind you and look ahead to the future and the possibilities it may offer. Don't get caught up with trying to find a mother or father figure for your kids, because what they need is the parent that remains to be happy and healthy.

It kind of makes you wonder if these people really know what they're talking about. They make it sound so easy. 'Just do this and all your problems will solve themselves.' But it's not easy. It's hard as all fuck. You're left with all of those plans and dreams shattered on the floor with the pieces of your heart, and you have to pick up those pieces and grin and bear it through all the little nicks and cuts from the jagged edges you're holding in your hands. You're pretty much fucked. Or that's how you feel, at least.

And don't get me started on that 'It gets easier with time' bullshit. It doesn't get easier. It hurts just as much however many years down the road as it does the day it happened. The pain never goes away. It becomes a part of you and you just learn how to live with it. It doesn't become any easier to deal with, you just get better at ignoring it. At least until you're hit with an abrupt reminder life is so fond of throwing at you or until you find a private moment to let it all out when it becomes a little too much to bear.

And how do you make anyone new understand? Is it even worth the effort?

As if the internal struggle isn't enough to deal with, add in well meaning friends and family who want to do their part in helping you along. You eventually get the offers to set you up with this friend or that brother or this sister-in-law or that out of town cousin coming around for a visit. And what is it really all for?

Is it for you, the grieving soul, to help you forget, or is their effort born of a sense of pity, which is ultimately worse? Who really knows, right?

I guess it's just something everyone has to figure out for themselves. Everyone has a different process for dealing, or they just don't deal at all. Depending on the circumstances, who's to say that any one method is any better or worse than the other?