Falling

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Terrified didn't even begin to describe Marigold. She imagined that for some reason someone at her office called Spencer or him someone at her office and she would be caught. It would be an innocent conversation ending in, 'your wife went home.' Then he would know. Then his violence would no longer be limited, she would feel the heat. She would feel what they had felt. 

Her insides felt like they were tumbling over each other in a fight over which organ could make her feel worse. She dropped her keys as her shaking hands prevented her from sticking the key in the lock. She tried the deep breathing many a yoga teacher had tried to ingrain in her, but she failed. She couldn't make her lungs function. She couldn't even manage to trick them into taking in air. She couldn't make her ribs expand, she was stuck and breathless.

Alyshka took the keys from Mommy and within a minute had managed to open it. She smiled up and waited for the adoration to rain upon her. Marigold could only reply with a shaking grin in her daughter's direction. She was too on edge for anything else. Alyshka took her mother's hand and pulled her over the threshold into her home. 

Marigold looked at the pictures on the walls, her wedding, Spencer looking gorgeous in his suit, she had honestly thought that this would last forever, she was willing to do anything to make it last forever. To increase the moment to encompass an eternity. To make their world theirs. He, the intellectual lawyer, her, an architect talented and artistic enough to design a better reality around them. 

How could she leave? How could she leave the life she had built for herself, in a house she had literally designed. Every detail of this house she had deliberated at length, the cladding, the angles, the positions of the benches in the kitchen, the walk-in pantry, it wasn't just a marriage she was leaving behind. 

Her daughter's first steps had been here. Her first words had gabbled out in a stream of strange syllables in that kitchen. 

She and Spencer had danced down these hallways in the good times, a little happy, a lot free and completely in love, at least she thought she was. She had fallen that man so fast and they had defied marriage statistics, they were the marriage that made it. Their relationship was superior, stronger, built to last the test of time. They weren't meant to fall.

They were a great love story, they were the envy of their couple friends, they didn't fight because Marigold always let him get his way. Marigold always rolled over and let him have his way, with other girls too. She had let him around her child, their child when he could destroy children. Sarah was a child and now she had his child too, for what? For catching his eye? What was the point? Why?

Marigold shook her head and pulled Alyshka up the stairs determined to do it this time. This was the fifth time the pair of them had been home at midday to pack their things and leave, but they hadn't. They had never packed a single shirt. 

Marigold was afraid and that was the be all and end all of the matter. She was terrified of what lay ahead. What lay ahead was completely unknown, and she felt she had become ridiculously co-dependent on a man who couldn't care less about her. He held no affection or respect for her, she had let it die by not forcing him to keep it. Or would he have lost it regardless? She had to believe there was a part of him that wasn't so one-dimensional and evil that there was something in him that could understand that humans have feelings. 

She and Alyshka were going on an adventure, that's what she assured her, they would pack up and then they would drive away to take part in escapades the like of which were only seen in movies inappropriate for Alyshka. 

They loaded up the car with bags, and pillows and everything else Marigold felt safe taking away with her. She and Alyshka played around in the kitchen collecting snacks and filling their drink bottles, but the unease was still heavy on Marigold's chest. She couldn't feel anything to make her lips rise at either side but her instincts had her putting her daughter at ease. She grinned so her daughter could smile, so she wouldn't be afraid.