It's been what, 4 days? Yeah. Four days since that traumatic event. A situation that literally ruined my life. For the twenty four years of my existence, I believed that my life is almost perfect. We're not rich yet I have an ideal family, loving parents, brother and sister whose there to support you. But it seems like I had been awaken from my sleep. I already have a hunch before 2013 ends, but I just ignored it because I know it is just normal for a family to face some problems. but never did I imagined that it would be this big. At first, I just stood there, keeping my silence and listening to what ever they were discussing. It scared the hell out of me when my mind finally absorbed what they were saying. I really didn't have any idea on what's going on. I only have the chance to go home every Sunday and leave for work on Monday morning. I make sure to spend my Sunday at home, to be with my family. I travel 3-5 hours every Saturday night just to be with them. I want to make every Sunday a special day for that's the day that we are complete. But last Sunday was the most painful day of my life. It hurts to see the family you are taking good care of falling apart. I cried silently while listening. Every breath I breathed seems like a knife which cuts my throat. All I wished that time was for me to wake up from that nightmare. I didn't stop pinching my arm hoping that it would help me wake up for me to escape that painful scene. But I just found myself lying in my bed, wiping nonstop. When I went out of the room, I acted like nothing happened. I know it's crazy to act that way, let's just say that my mind was still in the state of denial that time. I still made myself believe that it was just nothing. That what happened was just a role play. The following day, I left the house early just like the usual, 3:30am. My parents sent me to the station, while on the road none of us bothered to talk and it made me wished that it would be better if I just went there on my own. I rode the bus without looking at any of them for I am afraid that I might suddenly break down. I left our home that day just like everything around me that time, too dark. You wont be able to see any light nor anyone. I am all alone.
First Monday of my life that I lived like I am almost dead. I wanted to stop my self from thinking about what happened so I focused myself on work. I even intended to delay my submittals so my boss would get mad and summoned me at his office just to release his anger at me for about an hour. I can manage the anger of my boss than the pain which is eating me up. I seated at my office and let no one to bother me unless important. I hardly talk to anyone which most of them noticed. They say that it's the first time that I didn't laugh at their jokes no bother to smile to those who came to have a meeting with me. I just told them I am too busy and I am not the mood to be my self that time.
It is hard to pretend! It is hard to smile at someone when you know that you are actually dying inside. It is hard to say I am fine when people ask me if I am okay when in fact I badly needed to cry and let out all the pain that I am hiding within me. I hate liars, but this time I am the one whose lying, I am the pretending. I am doing all those things that I hate the most. Why? Simply because I can't accept the truth. I can't face the reality that all of those that I used to believe in and I used to care and love the most are now gone. and I can't do anything about it. here I am, stuck in this four walled office drowning myself with works to be able to escape the painful reality. Coward? Maybe yes, I am a coward. For this situation made me realized that I am not afraid of anything except of losing my family. The hell I care with my job, the hell with what people think of me for as long as I can go to a home where I belong. A home full of love and nothing matters but the happiness of each other. But now, I can't even decide if I can still go home after what happened. I am afraid to face everyone, or maybe I am afraid to face that reality that when I come home everything would be different. The smile of everyone is gone, the love on their eyes would be replaced by hatred. We would be living under the same roof threating each other like strangers, worst, like enemies.
I want to run, I want to hide from all of this but I know it would be impossible. sooner or later I must deal with this, with them, I have no choice. But I don't know if I can, it's either I fool myself again and think that what's happening isn't real or I would just let them be and move on. Move on and make new plans, but this time I don't know where to start. I want to go somewhere far, far from people who know me, I want to become a stranger to everyone. For the first time in my life I wanted to run, I wanted to escape. For the first time, I surrender.
